It was a mild Fall day. October 7, 2020. Beautiful weather in New York City. A cool breeze. Perfect. It was just under a month before the big election of 2020 and later that night Kamala Harris would debate Mike Pence. No one could deny that it was an exciting day for the folks at Fox News, particularly the hosts of The Five.
At 3:15 pm Jesse Watters stepped into Fox News Studios in Midtown Manhattan. He walked into his Green Room to relax before the evening’s taping. Episodes of The Five were taped at 5pm. They also had five hosts. It was a clever name for the show.
Jesse was already tingling with excitement thinking about how he’d critique Kamala Harris, exposing her radical leftist agenda ahead of the debate tonight. Jesse was proud of his accomplishments at Fox News and dreamed of a long and successful television career there. He looked in the mirror. “That’s a handsome face!” he thought to himself.
He heard a knock at the door. Rare. People didn’t often visit him in his green room, especially on an important day like today (the VP debates). “Who is it?” said Jesse. “It’s me! Greg!” Jesse instantly recognized it as the voice of The Five co-host Greg Gutfeld. He’d always liked Greg’s snarky and rebellious sensibility. “Come in.”Greg entered nervously. “Hey man” said Greg. He shut the door behind him and locked it. Odd, thought Jesse.
“I wanted to talk to you about something Jesse.” Greg was significantly shorter than Jesse and their eyes were at approximately the same level when Greg was standing and Jesse was seated. “Ever since this Coronavirus stuff… it’s been so shitty having to sit so far away from each other. Social distancing is such bullcrap. I miss sitting right next to you when we’re taping.”
“Greg, I…I don’t know what to say.”
“Your Philly accent is cute, Jessse. Do you catch my drift?”
“I don’t know Greg…look…I gotta get ready for tonight’s show.”
“Let me cut right to the chase Jesse. You’re sexy as hell. I want to fuck you so bad. Your tan, your hair, everything about you just drives me crazy!”
Jesse felt an odd tingle in his loin. “I must just be excited about covering the debate..this tingling can’t have anything to do with what Greg just said” he thought to himself. He found himself in an awkward silence.
“You don’t have to say anything, Jesse. Just kiss me.”
The tingling Jesse felt was rapidly metamorphosing into a full blown erection. The bulge in his suit pants was noticeable. He had no idea how to react.
“Greg, look brother…I’m not gay…I’m recently married.”
“I can see how hard you are, Jesse.””I’m just not comfortable with this Greg.”
“Oh come on, Jesse…your commentaries on Joe Biden’s propensity to capitulate to the radical left are spot on. I just love your style. You’re so sexy when you talk about Trump’s rebelliousness.”
“Look, Greg, your commentaries are fucking great too. When you were making fun of Nancy Pelosi’s ice cream habit the other day, and talking about the elites drinking Pinot, that was super funny. And I love you as a colleague, but I’m not ready for something like this, something physical.”
“We’ll never know what it feels like if we don’t try it, Jesse.” Greg was tired of mincing words. He swooped in and locked lips with Jesse, whose first instinct was to resist. But within seconds he felt as if his whole body was melting into Greg’s. They kissed for what seemed like a beautiful eternity. He withdrew and looked into Greg’s eyes. Jesse had been married twice but had never felt what he was feeling at this very moment, staring into those eyes.
“This is love” he thought to himself. It was like he had been shot with cupid’s arrow. He barely had time to think about how profound this feeling was before noticing that Greg’s hand was stroking his large, erect penis.
“Can I suck you off?” Greg said.Jesse wanted it badly, but he decided to reciprocate the offer instead. “I’d rather blow you first, Greg. I’ve never had a man’s penis in my mouth….but I want yours.
“Greg pulled down his pants. For a man of such short stature, Greg had an impressive member. Jesse got on his knees. He was at eye level with Greg’s nipples. This wouldn’t work, Greg was too short. Jesse lay flat on his stomach and placed Greg’s stiff white cock in his mouth, his chin levitating just above the ground.
“It’s a good thing I’ve been bulking up my neck at the gym lately” he thought to himself.
It felt incredible to lick Greg’s penis. Greg grabbed Jesse’s hair forcefully and started thrusting. His cock was touching the back of Jesse’s throat. It was rough but Jesse liked it like that. His instinct was to jerk himself off as he sucked Greg but quickly realized he should save himself for the pleasures that Greg’s mouth might soon offer. But suddenly Jesse felt tormented by a twinge of guilt. He was married after all. And while he wasn’t personally offended by homosexuality, it would be a betrayal for his viewers to find out about any of this homosexual activity.
He withdrew Greg’s penis from his mouth. “Bend over, Jesse. I want to go inside you.” said Greg.
“Greg, wait. Maybe we should take it slow…I’ve never…and besides, it would be hypocritical considering my public position on Gay Marriage”
“Death to virtue, Jesse! Virtue is just an illusion whose worship causes perpetual suffering, in countless transgressions of true desire.”
“But nothing, Jesse! Abandon yourself to pleasure! Pull down your pants.”
Jesse reluctantly stripped nude. “I suspect your sphincter will be tight enough to rip off the head of my penis!” said Greg with mischievous delight. He penetrated Jesse forcefully, before Jesse could resist.
Jesse felt intense pain intermingled with the greatest pleasure he’d ever known. He emitted a high pitched squeal. Greg was breathing heavily. He continued to thrust and within a minute he came inside of Jesse’s virginal rectum. “That was fantastic, Jess” said Greg. Jesse was out of breath.
Gutfeld bent over and spread his ass cheeks. “Go for it, Jess!” said Greg. Jesse tried to penetrate Greg, but it was difficult and awkward because of Greg’s height.
Jesse got into a squatting position and found the perfect angle with which to penetrate Greg. “Good thing I’ve been working my hamstrings at the gym” he thought to himself.
Jesse penetrated Greg, gently at first. His thrusts became increasingly more forceful. Greg loved it. He was already erect again and jerked himself off as Jesse continued to lovingly fuck him.
They both came at the same time. They were hot and sweaty. For a moment they just lay on the floor and laughed. “I wonder what Tucker Carlson would say if he found out!” said Jesse. Greg got a kick out of that. “I always thought you had the hots for our co-host Dana Perino” said Greg. “I’m just glad you seem to like me as much as I like you.” Greg pecked Jesse on the cheek.
Greg looked at his Apple Watch. “It’s 4:05…we’re on in under an hour. I better get ready for tonight’s taping.” Greg got dressed and approached the door. He looked at Jesse. Jesse stared into Greg’s green eyes. “I love you.” said Jesse, softly.Greg chuckled. “Back atcha kid!” he said. He walked out.
That night they had an excellent show. Their commentary was witty and insightful and their on screen rapport was engaging and humorous. Later that night they watched the Vice Presidential Debates with their co-hosts in a Fox News studio lounge. The Hennessy and Patron flowed freely. Everyone was having a great time. Greg and Jesse didn’t tell anyone about their passionate encounter, but every time they made eye contact they’d both feel a little tingle.
Have you always wanted to submit a killer entry to NPR and become the next Tiny Desk Superstar? Every year thousands of aspiring musicians work to become the next Tiny Desk champion.
But many very talented singer-songwriters refrain from submitting because they don’t know how to create a great Tiny Desk Submission. Fear of rejection and tons of expenses stand in the way of making it big…But that’s no longer a problem with this simple guide!
Read on to find out how to make a Grade A Tiny Desk submission at a very low price!
You can’t do a Tiny Desk submission without a desk. It should go without saying, but one of the most common mistakes people make is forgetting to include the Desk. This is grounds for instant rejection.
The problem with desks is that they are expensive, cumbersome and serve no purpose other than as a prop for a Tiny Desk concert. I recommend this Alaso brand Computer Desk from Amazon.
It’s cheap, sleek, and the perfect accouterments to your concert. Clocking in at just over $40, you won’t break the bank buying this desk.
Once you’re done filming your submission you can chop it up with an axe and use it for firewood. Many people spend over $40 a year on fire wood, so this way you are SAVING money as opposed to spending.
2. Wrong or Write?
Now that you’ve got your desk you need to write the perfect song to submit to NPR. There are so many genres of music that it can be a daunting task to choose which genre to begin with.
I recommend scrolling through your iTunes library and determining which artists you like the most. It could be a Pop Singer, a Country Singer, a Rap singer or even Indie. Any genre can be submitted to NPR Tiny Desk.
Once you’ve determined your preferred genre, sit down and write your song. If you’ve already ordered the desk from Amazon, you can use the desk to sit down at while you compose your masterpiece.
Don’t forget to load up on Music Paper so you can write out your song! If you don’t write down the notes of your song you could easily forget it!
Filming a great Tiny Desk submission can be challenging. Buying or renting state of the art camera equipment is not only expensive but the learning curve is enormous. No one has the time to flip through all of those camera manuals.
Luckily every city is packed to the gills with capable filmmakers who are willing to help! Find your Spielberg by going on a website called Craigslist.org and posting in the “Gigs” section. Mention that this is an unpaid internship, but that it will be a great resume booster that will lead to gigs down the road.
This is a tried and true strategy that works every time. Once your Spielberg films your Tiny Desk concert ask them for the footage. You have no obligation to talk to them ever again.
I recommend blocking their email address and phone number to be safe. If you follow my advice, you will have a very good chance of winning the contest, at which point they may become resentful and ask for compensation. Avoid this at all costs by blocking them before it becomes an issue.
4. Pay to Play
NPR is a non-profit. Non-profits are companies that ask people for money all the time. It goes without saying that everything in this world has a price. The more you donate to NPR, the higher your chances of winning their Tiny Desk concert competition.
You may have noticed that winning entries from various years are not that good. That’s because the winners were high rollers in terms of their NPR donations.
I’ve figured out a flawless hack to bypass this system. Simply take out a line of credit and donate a large sum to NPR. Your submission will likely win. You can then use the grand prize money to pay off the credit that you took out, leaving you with a great credit score and a championship Tiny Desk status.
Creating a winning Tiny Desk Concert video is no easy task. But with this guide it just got a whole lot easier!
“I hate myself” Jonathan Richards thought to himself on the morning of April 2, 2020.”No, no, NO!” his mind retorted.
He had been trained not to express hatred towards himself by a Behavioral Therapist named Richard Johns.
“Never say ‘I hate myself,'” Dr. Johns would tell Jon. “Instead, say ‘I hate my elf.’ Transfer that negativity onto something else…purchase an elf toy and direct your angst towards that instead.”This strategy had proven effective for 20 years, but today Jonathan forgot to carry around a porcelain elf with him.
He had an entire basement full of porcelain elves who he had been yelling at and occasionally performing violent acts against. Some of them had been decapitated, others simply hit with baseball bats. He had spent a fortune on porcelain elves. The plastic elves were more difficult to injure unless he used fire, which he didn’t prefer. Jonathan’s typical monthly porcelain elf bill was around $1800. He was deeply ashamed of his habit, but he found it did help him from expressing negativity towards himself.
Now there was a global pandemic raging, and his supply of Chinese-made porcelain elves was running thin, which explains why he forgot to bring one with him. He was in his car, in a Whole Foods parking lot. “Fuck it.” he thought. He began masturbating vigorously inside of his car. Jon was also a sex addict and needed to feel pangs of sexual excitement constantly.
He had discovered several years prior that he could sate his rabid hunger for sex by eating Penis Pasta for breakfast, lunch and dinner. It was simply pasta in the shape of a cartoonish penis. He would purchase boxes of Penis Pasta from “Condom Kingdom,” a novel sex shop on South Street in Philadelphia. Eating the penile noodles made his genital area tingle with delight. He’d slather them in a rich cream sauce that reminded him of semen. This further amplified his arousal. He intended to try Peppermint Nipples and Edible Anuses as well.
Jon sat in his car masturbating. He thought of the big bowl of Penis Pasta dinner he’d make later that night, the fresh cum-like cream sauce made with organic Whole Foods ingredients, the parmesan cheese sprinkled on top. He began to climax but at the split second when he began to ejaculate he was hit with a lightning like pounding headache. It was a terrible pain. “FUCK, I HATE MYSELF!” he screamed aloud. “NO NO NO NO”
He knew he couldn’t keep repeating this hateful rhetoric without further damaging his already fragile ego.
He ran into the Whole Foods and approached a worker with pink hair, piercings and tattoos.
“Do you sell porcelain elves here?” he said, frantically.
“I don’t have time…I need to express hatred towards an Elf NOW!”He ran out of the store, forgetting to purchase his Cream Sauce ingredients.
Ignoring traffic lights, stop signs and pedestrians Jon rushed to South St. to purchase his Penis Pasta from Condom Kingdom. Tremors of tension pulsed through his entire body. He was sweating from head to toe as he parked his car. Images of the penis shaped noodles flashed before his eyes as he hastily stumbled to the entrance.But much to his chagrin there was a notice on the door: “CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19 FOR FORSEEABLE FUTURE.”
Jon was not having a good day. “If the grocery store can be open during a pandemic, why can’t Condom Kingdom be open?” he thought to himself as he ran to his car. He popped open the trunk and grabbed a baseball bat. He smashed the storefront window and grabbed 3 boxes of Penis Pasta from a display case. “This will last me until at least tomorrow” he thought to himself. For a brief moment he thought about grabbing some Boobie Pops or Pussy Patch Sours, but decided against it. If he were to try something new, he’d want it to be when he felt more at ease and less tense.
He got back in the car and rushed home. He could hear the blare of the sirens, undoubtedly called to deal with the carnage he had wrought on Condom Kingdom’s windows. Images of the penis pasta flashed before his eyes again. He couldn’t help himself. Before going inside he’d have to masturbate again. He passionately rubbed himself and reached climax within seconds. But BAM. The lightning bolt of pain struck once again and the unbearable twinges were pulsing through his entire body. “I FUCKING HATE MYSELF” Jon screamed.
As Jon lay in bed next to his beautiful wife Chrystal he thought about his newfound problem. Not being able to cum would be a serious issue for him. He’d have to see a doctor. He tossed and turned. He barely noticed Chrystal’s massive and shapely breasts, which were practically bursting out of her newly purchased negligee. “Let’s make love, Jon” she whispered in his ear. “NO!” screamed Jon. “I have too much going on right now.” She began to cry. “Soon, baby, I promise.” said Jon.
The next day Jon was able to make an appointment with his Primary Care Physician, Dr. John Johns (brother of his Behavioral Therapist Richard Johns).
“Jon! It’s great to see you!” said Dr. Johns
“It’s good to see you too Dr. Johns” said Jon.
“What seems to be the problem Jon?” said Dr. Johns
“Well doc, every time I ejaculate I get this pulsing throbbing pain.”
“I see…well…let’s do some diagnostic testing on that.”
Dr. Johns hooked Jon’s head up to various tubing and wiring. Diodes and cables ran everywhere. Dr. Johns rolled in a monitor which showed Jon’s brain activity in real time.
“Ok, Jon, now I’ll need you to ejaculate for me so I can watch your brain waves as it happens.”Dr. Johns grabbed Jon’s penis. “Now get erect, boy” said Dr. Johns.
“I’m not horny right now” said Jon.
“Very well” said Dr. Johns, annoyed. He went into a closet and returned with a television, a cart and a VCR. He dusted off a pornographic VHS entitled “Suck My Cock, I’ll Fuck Your Face” and popped it into the VCR. The pornographic images flashed across the screen and they seemed to be doing the trick. Dr. John’s hand was on Jon’s crotch.
“Very good, Jon, very good…I can feel you are getting erect.”
“Ok, well whip it out now and I’ll jerk you off until you cum. I’ll monitor the screen during your moment of climax.” said Dr. JohnsJon pulled out his erect penis and Dr. Johns began stroking it with very precise and consistent tugs. It was without passion.
After a minute or so the Dr. became impatient. “Are you going to cum soon, boy?” said Dr. Johns.
“It’s just too clinical for me, Dr.”
“Goddamit!” said Dr. Johns.
“Shall I blow you then?”
“Ok, let’s try that” said Jon.
Dr. Johns got on his knees and began bobbing his head up and down on Jon’s cock.
“Spit on it, Dr. Slurp that shit.”
The Dr. followed his orders.
“Dr. Johns, I think I will cum soon, but maybe you could twist my nipples or something?”
The doctor continued slobbering on Job’s knob and did as he was told. He twisted John’s left nipple. Jon erupted in a violent burst and the doctor swallowed his load. “FUCK!” Jon screamed. The pain had returned.
“I have bad news for you, Jon.” said Dr. Johns, wiping the saliva and semen from his lips with a napkin.”Because I was blowing you, I was not able to monitor your brain activity at the moment of climax. We’ll have to do this again, but I have other patients to see now. Can you come back another day?”
“Yes, Dr. Johns” said Jon.
Jon went to the reception desk.
“Dr. Johns’ next available appointment is on December 25.” said the receptionist.
“That’s in 8 months!” screamed Jon.
“Yes it is” said the receptionist.
“Alright, book it.” said Jon.
This had been a tough week for Jonathan Richards. He had developed a debilitating condition which ran in direct conflict with his sex addiction, and the ongoing pandemic had prevented him from sticking to his normal routine. He went home and lay down to take a nap. As he closed his eyes, he thought about the future. “Maybe things will get better soon” he thought. His eyes closed and he drifted off to sleep.
Jon never woke up from that nap. The headaches he had gotten during ejaculation were warning signs of acute fibromyalgia. As he slept, the fibromyalgia cells took over his entire body and he died, peacefully.
“It’s over!” Margarita screamed as she slammed the door in my face. I stood on the porch feeling destitute. Now I was without a home, without an address to call my own. At some point I had loved Margarita Jones, but those feelings had died years ago. She was beautiful, smart, sexy and downright mean. Her parents named her after their favorite cocktail, the Margarita. But they should have named her Jalapeno Margarita, because she left me feeling burnt.Our love affair had lasted 49 years, and now it was over. We started dating when I was 42. I am now 91. Everyone in the Jones family was named after a cocktail or alcoholic beverage. Sometimes it was hard to tell them apart (I always confused her twin sisters, Gin Martini and Vodka Martini).
I got to know Margarita because of her father, Mint Julep Jones. He was my mentor when I went to seminary. Sometimes I would look in the mirror and pretend to be him. I’d repeat his signature catchphrase to myself. His catchphrase was “I’M THE BEST AND BRIGHTEST MAN IN BRYN MAWR.” I would say this to myself over and over. But the truth is, there’s only room for one best and brightest person in any town. So it was either him or me. After 48 years of looking up to Mint Julep I decided to kill him. He was already 120 years old. He had lived long enough. I wanted to take his place as the best and brightest in Bryn Mawr. I decided to kill him with a clothes hanger, much like an abortionist would use. I am an abortionist in fact (I don’t use clothes hangers though… I only use top of the line abortion equipment). At first I wanted to be a priest like Mint Julep, but then I decided to become an abortionist instead. I snuck into Mint Julep’s room, hanger in hand and poked him with it repeatedly. Unfortunately it wasn’t penetrating his skin no matter how hard I pushed. Apparently it’s easier to perform abortions with clothes hangers than it is to use them to kill adults. I began poking his eyes with the clothes hanger and he woke up. He stared at me. “Vanilla Frappucino?” he said (my name is Vanilla Frappucino…much like the Joneses with cocktails, everyone in my family is named after a Starbucks beverage). “What in tarnation are you doing with that rod? Stop poking my eye!” His wife, whose birth name was Edna but known to everyone in the family as Momma Mojito, woke up. She saw me poking her husband’s eye and began to scream. I started poking her in the eye and Mint Julep tried to grab my clothes hanger. “This is not working” I thought to myself. Suddenly their daughter Mojito Jr. came in the room. She ripped the clothes hanger out of my hands. Luckily I had also brought an explosive grenade with me. I threw it at the elderly couple and their middle aged daughter and ran out of the house. I heard the big boom. I saw Mint Julep’s limbs fly from out of the window of his room. “He must be dead now” I thought to myself. This meant that I was now the best and brightest man in Bryn Mawr. I was on top of the world. Little did I realize that Margarita wouldn’t feel the same. The next morning I woke up feeling refreshed at 6am. Margarita began preparing my daily buttered toast. “Where were you last night, Dunkaccino?” she said. (Her pet name for me was Dunkaccino…just a kind of clever play on words since I am named after a Starbucks beverage and not a Dunkin Donuts beverage). “Oh, I just went to your parents place. I killed them and your sister Mojito Jr.””WHAT?” she shrieked.I hadn’t anticipated this kind of negative response. “IT’S OVER” she screamed.And slammed the door in my face. I couldn’t stand the thought of being without a home and starting over again. I was 92 years old and my best years were still ahead of me, but I was old enough to be complacent about where I lived. “Can’t we work things out?” I yelled. She poked her head out of the window and gave me a cold hateful stare. It hurt my feelings to have someone be so cruel to me, so I began to cry. “Please!” I yelled with tears in my eyes. “I love you Margarita Jones! You are the apple of my eye.” I felt as though I was on the brink of collapse. I had an additional grenade in my pocket, which I considered using to kill myself, but I decided against it. Lucky I made that choice, because at that moment Margarita stepped out onto the porch.
“Vanilla Frappucino, even though you killed my parents and sister, I still love you. But it will be difficult to forgive you for what you have done to my family. Therefore I will accept you back, on the condition that you agree to see a couples therapist with me.” “Anything!” I said. She opened the door and we made passionate love for 6 hours straight. I wanted to work things out with Margarita so I knew that I had to find the best therapist in all of Bryn Mawr. Money was no object. I’d pay upwards of $50 a session because I cared about my love. Being a medical professional, I called all of my colleagues until I identified the greatest psychotherapist I could find; His name was Dr. Frasier Crane. When I first called his practice I remarked that it was funny that he shared his name with a famed sitcom psychologist. “Yes” he said “I was actually born by the name of Harold Blatstein, but I legally changed my name to Frasier Crane because I was such a fan of the show.” I found this to be very endearing. Things were already off to a good start with Dr. Crane. We scheduled an appointment for the following Tuesday at 7am. Margarita and I showed up and approached the receptionist. “Name?” she said”Vanilla Frappucino” I said.”Phone number?” she said”215-844-1933″ I said. (This isn’t my real number, but I thought it important to include actual realistic phone number digits to paint a vivid picture of this life event).”Address?” she said”What is my address?” I thought to myself”ADDRESS?” said the receptionist, agitated.”I…I don’t remember…”The receptionist seemed pissed, but then cooled down “Look, I’m just trying to do my job. When you get home, go to whatismyaddress.org and text me what it tells you”I stared in her eyes and she blushed a bit. She was not unattractive, and my mind flashed with images of having sexual intercourse with her. We were seated in Dr. Frasier Crane’s Office. We explained why we needed therapy, how I had killed her parents, and how we needed to save our marriage. “Your case is rather unique” said Dr. Crane. “I practice in the tradition of psychoanalysis. We psychoanalysts believe that it is very common for a man to murder his father and have sex with his mother, you have behaved in quite a different way…you have murdered your lover’s mother and father and had sex with neither of them. This is quite a puzzling case, but also profoundly interesting. I think it best if I interview Vanilla Frappucino alone. Mrs. Jones, if you’ll leave me alone with your husband I’d appreciate it. In the lobby you’ll find a full spread of Dunkin Donuts items including coffee, donut holes, donuts, bagels, frappucinos and breakfast sandwiches” “Frappucinos?” Margarita said. “If it’s a Dunkin’ Donuts spread, it would be a Dunkaccino not a Frapuccino.” “How embarrassing” said Dr. Crane “You are correct. Frappucinos are from Starbucks. It was simply a Freudian slip on my part. You see, your husband’s name is Frappucino and you call him Dunkaccino. I have become so immersed in your case that I am already mincing words. I do apologize. Now go enjoy the spread while I talk to your husband.” She exited swiftly, but not before pecking me on the cheek. “I’ll save a donut hole for you.” she said. Dr. Crane got up and locked the door behind her. “There’s no Dunkin Donuts spread, that was a ploy.” Almost instantly she began banging the door. “Just ignore that.” said Dr. Crane. “Now look, Frappucino, my receptionist told me that you didn’t remember your address. This is a serious concern. You are repressing this information for some deep-seated reason which we need to get to the bottom of! It may not be easy to figure out, but I do feel it is the key to solving the problems in your life and marriage.” “You’re not making any sense, Dr. Repressing information? I KNOW WHERE I LIVE GODAMMIT!” “Calm yourself, Boy.” said Dr. Crane. “You have much to learn about the mind. You see, we all possess something called a subconscious…it’s a sort of infinite landscape inside our minds that we are incapable of accessing. Fragments of the subconscious leak out in dreams, through jokes, and through slips of the tongue. Think of your mind as a nut. A psychoanalyst is basically a nutcracker…he cracks open the shell to find the good things inside.” Suddenly Margarita began banging on the door again “I can’t find the Dunkin Donuts spread!” she was screaming. “Maybe it’s best if we end the session for the day” said Dr. Crane. I got up to leave. As i grasped the door handle the Dr. looked at me sternly. “Frappucino, before you leave I had better mention something to you. My receptionist mentioned that in addition to forgetting your address you also stared at her with sexual longing. I’ll have you know that she is not only my receptionist, she’s also my wife. If you dare to touch her, you will pay a hefty price.” I looked at Dr. Crane. I could see the threatening energy in his eyes. “Dr. Crane, I love my wife as well. I am trying to save our marriage. It’s undeniable that your receptionist/wife is hot…but right now I’m focused on loving the woman I already have. Fear not.” Dr. Crane thanked me. He pulled an apple out of his lab coat. “An apple day keeps the doctor away” he said, laughing. He passed me the apple. “Eat that, and I’ll see you next week.” Margarita bickered incessantly on the ride home. “He promised Dunkin’ Donuts and there was none! This is outrageous! I want a new doctor!” I tended to agree with her. I didn’t like the tone Dr. Crane took with me, especially in regards to his wife, but I liked his style and the fact that he had legally changed his name to Frasier Crane. “Let’s give him another chance, honey. I have a feeling about this guy.” When I got home I followed the receptionist’s instructions and visited whatismyaddress.org. It immediately gave me my address along with Nearby locations of interest. I was also able to see my zip code, the name of my neighborhood. It also showed me my state and my country. My intersection. My GPS coordinates. “Hell of a website I thought to myself.” I saw my address and took mental note of it. I called the receptionist to let her know what it was. I had no intentions of pursuing a sexual relationship with her..after Dr. Crane’s stern warning I was frankly scared. She picked up and answered in a sultry voice. “Is this who I think it is?” The timbre of her voice was an instant turn on. I found myself getting aroused. I could feel my hard penis rubbing against my shirt (I wasn’t wearing any pants). “This is Vanilla Frappucino” I said. My voice was shakey, trembling with sexual excitement. “So, did you find out what your address is?” she said. “I used the website you recommended, whatismyaddress.org… and it worked perfectly. My address is 152 Billington Lane.” “Ok Tiger, thanks. Now that I know your address maybe I can stop on by and we could do something naughty.” “I’m afraid that won’t be an option. Dr. Crane mentioned that you’re his wife and gave me ample reason to avoid any sexual contact with you. Besides, I’m married!” I heard her laughing. “You felt threatened by Frasier? He’s a lamb and a coward. And besides, we’re not married. He just tells people that. What time should I come by?” I was quivering. I could barely contain my excitement. But I quickly realized that Margarita was still in the house. “She can’t find out” I thought to myself, “this will hurt our marriage even more.” But I couldn’t give up this opportunity to have a sexual experience with an attractive person. “Just come by in an hour” I told the receptionist. “By the way, what is your name?”She paused. “My name is also Vanilla Frapuccino.” she said.When I heard that she had the same name as me I knew I needed to have sex with her. It was odd, I thought to myself, that Dr. Crane had mistakenly referred to a Dunkaccino as a Frapuccino. He said that it was because my name was Frapuccino and that he was deeply immersed in my case. But in fact his troubled love interest was also named Frappucino. These thoughts raced through my mind and I almost forgot that I’d need to find a way to get Margarita out of the house when Frapuccino came over. “Margarita” I yelled. She came down the stairs wearing nothing but a negligee. She ran her fingers across my chest. “I see you’re already hard as a rock” she said. Little did she know that I was hard for Vanilla Frappuccino. “Look, baby, I need some time alone here for the next couple of hours. Do you think you could go outside or something? I heard there’s a free spread of Dunkin Donuts around the corner…apparently they have all kinds of stuff…donuts, donut holes, bagels, frappuccinos, etc.””Oh really? I’m gonna go get some stuff!” she said excitedly. She scurried out of the house. This was a great trick I learned from Dr. Crane…to distract Margarita with false offerings of free Dunkin Donuts. But I realized that I made the same fatal flaw as he..I had referred to the Dunkaccino as a Frapuccino. Surely this would blow my cover and prevent me from having the full blown sexual experience with my namesake, Vanilla Frapuccino that I wished to have. “Oh well” I thought to myself. At that moment I heard the doorbell ring. I opened it, and standing before my eyes was the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen; Vanilla Frappucino. “Let’s get to it!” she said. We had great, passionate sex for the better part of 2 hours. I became so immersed in the sensual experience, the flopping flesh and the voluminous moans that I forgot about Margarita. That is, until I heard the front door open. “In flagrante delicto” Vanilla Frappucino moaned as I abruptly stopped making love to her. Margarita walked in the room.
“There was no Dunkin Donuts spread! And you said there’d by frappucinos but that’s a Starbucks product, not a Dunkin Donuts product” she said. “And why are you engaged in sex acts with Dr. Crane’s receptionist??!” I had no answers. I followed my first instinct, which was to run out of the house, directly to Dr. Crane’s office. I banged on the window loudly. Dr. Crane came outside. “Yes, Vanilla Frappucino?” he said. “You know I don’t typically see patients without an appointment unless it’s an emergency…so what’s the issue?” “I…I betrayed Margarita…with your wife Vanilla Frappucino.” “You insolent sow!” Frasier screamed. He punched me in the face. I fell to the floor. I tasted trickles of salty blood flowing out of my mouth. He began pummeling me further. He stomped on my ribcage. I heard the cracking of bones. I saw him pick up a hammer. He smashed it against both of my kneecaps. I screamed in agony and stared up at Dr. Frasier Crane. He looked down at me. “I apologize,” he said. “Violence is never the answer. Let’s talk about this in my office.” I told him all about everything in full detail, using whatismyaddress.org, calling the receptionist, deceiving Margarita by telling here there was a Dunkin Donuts spread and then making love to Vanilla Frappucino, and getting caught. “The thing which strikes me as being most significant,” said Dr. Crane “is that you, like me, referred to a Dunkaccino as a Frapuccino, even though you were speaking of a Dunkin’ Donuts spread and not a Starbucks spread. I would like, with your permission, to include this in my newest publication, which will be a case study about you and your wife.” “Really?” I said excitedly. I had always dreamed of being the subject of a book. “Yes,” said Dr. Crane. TO BE CONTINUED….
I know what you’re probably thinking: YOU SHOULD KNOW YOUR ADDRESS! Friends, I’m here to tell you that not everyone knows their own address, and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. There are a plethora of reasons why an individual may not know their own address. In my case, I suffer from a Traumatic Brain Injury that affects my memory.
A little about me: I attended Duke University on a Football Scholarship. I had one foot in the realm of academia (I was studying Epistemology and the thesis I was working on had groundbreaking insights into both Kant and Hegel, as well as a solid refutation of some early theories of Spinoza) and my other foot was in Football.
I was a force to be reckoned with. I had both the brains and the body; men and women alike fawned over me and wanted desperately to be my lover. I am bi-sexual so this attention was welcome, however I am also very discerning when it comes to affairs of the heart. Even though I had dozens, perhaps hundreds of male and female suitors, I only became intimate with 9 of them; 6 males and 3 females. I had an open relationship with all of them at the same time.
Now, you may be thinking that my traumatic brain injury was caused by playing football. However, you’d be very wrong in that assumption. I was so adept at catching the ball, and my speed was so lightning fast that I was never tackled, not once. My brain injury resulted from something else entirely. When I was in the midst of my 9 love affairs I’d show affection in the form of baking. I’m not one for pecks on the cheek or hugs or the like. My favorite baked good to prepare for my male and female companions was banana bread. As you can imagine, with 9 lovers to bake for, there were never ending loaves of banana bread being prepared. This also meant that there were a plethora of banana peels laying on my kitchen floor. It was inevitable that one day I’d slip on a peel…and finally after 4 years of making my banana breads, I did slip on a peel. It was on the day I was supposed to present my thesis on Kant and Hegel to the thesis committee.
I slipped on a stray peel and my head hit the floor. Blood was gushing and I saw small fragments of skull and brain matter on the ground. I was so determined to present my research to the committee and defend my groundbreaking thesis that I ignored medical treatment and rushed to school. I wore a dark colored beanie to soak up the blood and brain matter that was leaking from my skull.
My adrenaline was rushing and I felt no pain as I defended my controversial refutation of Kant’s third formulation. It was a tough committee. They threw me many curveballs in the midst of my defense. I was forced against my will to justify my positions through the lens of Dialectical Materialism. Luckily my keen research into both Hegelian and Marxist dialectical traditions paid off. The committee was impressed with my defense and even complimented me on my stylish beanie. I was awarded my Master’s Degree in Philosophy. It was 4pm and I felt relieved…until I remembered that that championship game of the football season was to take place at 6pm.
I rushed across campus to the football field and placed the helmet over my injured head. The tight inner padding of the helmet rubbed against my exposed brain matter. It hurt like hell, but I was determined to win this game for the home team.
Fastforward to 8pm and we’ve won the NCAA Championships. I was proud, but also concerned about my injury. There’s a well-equipped hospital not even one mile from Duke’s football field. I ran there as fast as I could. I was taken directly to the ICU when I showed the receptionist my fractured skull.
A doctor came to my side and told me I had suffered a traumatic brain injury. “What the hell!…How is that possible?” I screamed at the doctor. I was enraged. “In many cases we can avoid traumatic brain injuries, but it appears that you rubbed something against the exposed brain matter. Is this possible?””Doctor, it was just a beanie and then a football helmet, that’s all!'”That’s all it takes, son.”The doctor was sympathetic and rubbed my shoulders in a loving, fatherly way. “It’s not so bad. Many people live full lives even with traumatic brain injuries. But you will need to learn how to adapt. For example, you’ll never remember what your address is from now on.” I was devastated. I felt droplets forming in my eyes. I had no control over my emotions. A deluge of tears began streaming down my face. The doctor hugged me. “How will I ever know what my address is?” I pleaded.The doctor shrugged and in that moment I felt myself slip away into unconsciousness. It had been a long day and I was dead tired.
In the morning I was discharged from the hospital. I hailed a taxi cab. “Where to?” said the gruff driver.I couldn’t remember what my address was.”WHERE TO BUDDY?””I…I don’t know”The driver was angry now. “GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CAB!”I was lost and had no idea where I lived. The detrimental side effects of this traumatic brain injury were already wreaking havoc on my life!
Figuring out where I lived seemed hopeless. I walked endlessly until I stumbled upon a realtor’s office. They set me up with a new home. I got settled in. Tidied up. Made the space livable.
As I used the lovely kitchenette to make my inaugural loaf of banana bread, I realized that I had no idea what my new address was. Out of desperation I searched google. “What is my address?” A bunch of garbage came up. Then I clicked on the link for whatismyaddress.org …and it was that easy.It told me EXACTLY what my address was. “This is a godsend” I thought to myself, “a great website for someone like me.”
I got accustomed to my new life at my new home. I lost contact with my 9 lovers, as I had forgotten my old address and didn’t know how to reach them. I was also embarrassed about my brain injury. I didn’t want to go on a lengthy diatribe explaining what had happened. They were good lovers, but I knew I could do better. I set about finding a new set of lovers to keep me company. Using a popular online dating service I made dates with several dozen people of various genders.
Of the 53 people I went on dates with, I decided to continue seeing 14 of them. After the courting period, we’d get to that awkward moment where they’d ask where I live. “Dammit!” I’d think to myself. “Ok, well what is your zip code? Your neighborhood? Your county?” they’d often follow up with. “Shit!” I’d think. I was the perfect date in every other way; highly intelligent, very attractive and extremely wealthy. But my Achilles’ Heel was my inability to remember my own address. I’d awkwardly excuse myself and rush to a toilet stall to look up my address on whatismyaddress.org.
The first time I did this, we were dining at Pietro’s Pizzeria in Philadelphia, located at 1714 Walnut St. I told my date that I had a very bad case of diarrhea and I ran to the toilet. I went to whatismyaddress.org and found that my address was 1714 Walnut St. I returned from the bathroom, explained that I had expunged all of the liquid fecal matter from my bowels, and then told the date my address “Earlier you inquired about my address,” I said. “well, it’s 1714 Walnut St.”
“1714 Walnut St?” my date said sarcastically. “So you live in Pietro’s Pizzeria? The very restaurant where we are currently dining.” He began to loudly guffaw.This is the moment when I learned that whatismyaddress.org doesn’t tell you where you reside, but rather the address where you are currently situated. I realized my own mistake but didn’t want to allow this insolent nobody to get one over on me.
“Yes, I do live above this pizzeria. In fact, I own it.”I immediately excused myself for the second time by saying that my diarrhea was acting up again. I bribed a waiter with a $20 bill and told her to play along with me and pretend I was the owner.
The bribed waiter came to our table and did as she was told…but she wasn’t a great actor. She was not able to successfully convey that I was the owner without cracking a smile or breaking into laughter. I shooed her away. I felt embarrassed so I excused myself on account of the diarrhea once again but this time I simply darted out of the establishment never to return again. Needless to say, I didn’t see my date again. I didn’t like his insolent attitude, but he inadvertently taught me a valuable lesson in how to properly use whatismyaddress.org.
After 7 months, my 14 new lovers all moved into my new home. It was a three bedroom house, so it was a tight squeeze, but we all got along so well that it felt like a neverending sleepover party. We’d go on field trips to the Zoo or various museums, and go on whatismyaddress.org to use its “Nearby” feature to find other significant locations in the region.
To say that whatismyaddress.org hadn’t changed my life for the better would be the understatement of the year. It helped me overcome my traumatic brain injury and find love and happiness. But this is just a small part of my life story.
I am no optimist; I don’t believe in true love…love is fleeting. I have split up with the 14 lovers I had at that moment in my life. I’ve moved on and found other, better, hotter people to live with and love with. I just want to paint a picture for you, dear reader, of the fragility of our feeble existence and how some websites can help us improve our lives.
A revolutionary new program from Dr. Moshe C. Bragge, pHD
Ever wanted to learn how to lose weight using psychedelic substances such as LSD (acid), psilocybin mushrooms, peyote, DMT and more?
Now you can, using Moshe C. Bragge’s revolutionary new book, Using Hallucinogenic Drugs to Lose Weight FAST!
It’s simple easy and fun to trip out and activate fat busting neurons in the conscious and subconscious mind! You can watch an informative video here:
Many people are concerned about their access to LSD and mushrooms during the Coronavirus pandemic, however there’s absolutely no need to worry. THis book teaches you how to extract DMT from the brains of animals in order to keep losing weight during a global pandemic.
RUN! Don’t walk to pick up this fascinating weight loss program. Forget the marijuana for weight loss, forget the alcohol for weight loss and get “low” using hallucinogenic drugs!
United States has participated in many wars including World War I and World War
ii but In March 2020 they went to war with their most challenging foe to
date–the Coronavirus, also known as COVID-19. This crippling virus caused
universal closures of restaurants, bars and gyms.
In a traditional war we can throw bombs at our enemies, but this virus cannot be shot with a pistol or grenade because it is too small to be seen. You could shoot a bullet from a gun in the air, and it might hit a coronavirus particle, but because the virus is so small, we will never know if the bullet hit it or not.
We could hire teams to shoot guns in the air in every direction all day long in order to kill the virus but the problem is they may hit a valuable object or person, and therefore is not an effective way to stop the spread of Coronavirus.
While its long-lasting effects are still unknown, we can most certainly ascertain that an unwanted side effect of our quarantined state will be weight gain. People will sit at home binge-watching Netflix and eating poisonous garbage that is filled with carbs.
Foods like cakes, pies and cookies will be consumed in abundance and as the Coronavirus pandemic levels off, the obesity epidemic will worsen. Lack of gym access will only heighten the problem. Binge eating carbs is a dangerous, unhealthy and unnecessary coping mechanism.
If only people knew: it is not only easy, but FUN to practice Keto while quarantined. You will eat great, lose weight and be in the best shape of your life…all from the comfort of your own home. When the period of extreme social distancing and mandatory isolation ends you will emerge from your home into our post-apocalyptic streets with your Quarantine Bod and impress those who have survived in your town. Read on to find out how you can utilize the Keto diet to become a hot and healthy survivor using this revolutionary new diet.
What is Keto?
The Keto Diet is a revolutionary new diet that drastically cuts carbohydrate intake. This forces your body into a metabolic process called “Ketosis.” When in Ketosis your body effectively burns fat for energy along with thousands of calories along the way.
I’ve used Keto to radically alter my own life and the lives of my family members. I wrote the book Keto for Kids because I was fearful of having a fat child. My little Robert was a plump baby and that didn’t sit well with me. I immediately cut off his supply of breast milk (which is high in carbs) and forced him onto a restrictive Keto diet.
Robert is now 12 years old and weighs a healthy 51 pounds. He is very thin and attractive and has not even touched a carbohydrate in years. To say that Keto drastically changed my life for the better would be an understatement. I have decided to devote the rest of my life to spreading the good word about Keto. Now, in the time of pandemic, we need it more than ever.
Step One: Eradicate All Carbs
The emerging Coronavirus epidemic is being fought using the technique of Social distancing to avoid rapid spread of the disease. If only obesity could be cured with social distancing! The unfortunate reality is that obese people are forced to socially distance because they are considered the dregs of society and no one wants to be around them.
The obese have been socially distancing for years. For the obese, socially distancing does not cure what ails them, nor does it prevent the spread of obesity. If anything, being socially distant reinforces their sadness. The vicious cycle continues ad nauseam while they consume fatty cakes and pies all along the way.
Don’t allow yourself to be a victim of the obesity epidemic! Walk to your pantry right now and throw away anything that has any carbohydrates! This includes milk (not heavy cream), crackers, rice, bread, beans, ketchup, all fruits, sugar, candy, ice cream and beer.
You may be saying to yourself “what the hell will I eat?” The good news is you can eat like a king on Keto. Bacon, Steaks, Cheese, Whipped Cream, Avocados and Hard Liquor are all completely acceptable and can be consumed in abundance.
Because our country is going through a national emergency, you could also consider donating the food to a homeless shelter or food charity however I would strongly advise against this. You may feel good about yourself for being generous, but you are just killing other people with garbage carb-heavy food. Have some compassion for your fellow man and flush the carbs down the toilet.
Step Two: The Keto Flu
Anyone who has tried the Keto diet knows of the dreaded “Keto Flu.” As your body becomes less dependent on carbs, you will experience malaise and flu-like symptoms. This is absolutely normal and nothing to worry about. After a few days the keto flu will be over and your body will be in full-on ketosis. Hell ya!
The complications occur when you are starting keto in the midst of a flu pandemic. Many people mistake their keto flu for the coronavirus. Some of the symptoms are similar: diarrhea, aches and pains, fatigue. Further complicating this phenomena is the fact that it is possible to be going through the Keto Flu AND the novel Coronavirus simultaneously.
Sound complex? Well, it is. But worry not. If your city has a coronavirus testing site in place you can go and get tested. If you have the coronavirus, don’t worry, just quarantine for 14 days and jumpstart your Keto routine. It doesn’t kill most people, although it may kill you. If the Coronavirus doesn’t kill you, a carb-heavy diet will.
Many people eat unhealthy food like cakes and pies when they are sick. Don’t do that! Start your Keto journey now. Eat plenty of sausages, cheese, whipped cream, bacon and oil. You will lose weight rapidly. Remember: obese people have compromised immune systems. The faster you lose weight, the stronger your immune system will be, and the more energy it will have to fight off the coronavirus (COVID-19).
if you test negative for the virus? Do the exact same thing! Eat plenty of
sausage, cheese, whipped cream bacon and oil!
If you go to the doctor to ask about coronavirus, ask him to test your ketone levels as well. If you are producing ketones it means your body is in ketosis and the fat is in the process of melting off!
Step Three: Get the Keto Foods
those of you unfamiliar with the Keto diet, it may be helpful to discover the
delicious staple foods that I encourage you to eat every day for every meal.
Those staples are:
you exclusively consume these items for every meal you will see remarkable
improvements. Your waistline will start to shrink and the sexy you will emerge
from the fat shell you’ve been hiding inside of.
Because the Coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic has shut down all non-essential businesses in most major cities, people worry about disruptions to the food supply chain. Depending on fresh sausage and heavy cream may be difficult. So what are some keto friendly canned foods that will last in the pantry during a pre or post apocalyptic situation?
Spam is a great tasting and widely available option. At just one carbohydrate per can, Spam is the champion of Keto canned foods bar none. In second place, I recommend Buttered Mushrooms, which are buttery and delicious.
Don’t forget that oils last a long time in the pantry, so you can drink a tall glass of oil, which is delicious, filling and totally Keto friendly. If you do go the route of drinking condiments and cooking essentials, check the nutrition on the label. Carbohydrates should read 1g or less. DO NOT EAT KETCHUP! I repeat DO NOT EAT KETCHUP! It is the silent keto killer.
People think Ketchup is Ketogenic, but it is full of nasty carbs. If you feel you cannot help it, drink a glass of hot sauce thickened with heavy cream, which has a similar consistency and red color but with 0 carbs. In my previous tome, Keto for Kids, I spoke of the intense addiction to ketchup that my little Robert had developed. Weaning him off of it was like exorcising demons from a prostitute. It’s no joke, and takes intense effort.
Step Four: Eating Wildlife and Pets
In the midst of a pandemic, expect the worst. You may run out of food and be forced to eat wildlife that is native to your habitat. In my area that would mean squirrels and pigeons. Luckily, these animals are both completely gluten free and Keto friendly!
If you have a shotgun, bow and arrow or darts it is not difficult to kill squirrels. Make sure to keep sharp knives on hand so you can skin them. Don’t throw away the carcass either, as it can be boiled to create a delicious broth for a future Keto soup!
going outside to hunt for game isn’t always an option. If the virus becomes
airborne or social unrest creates a state of martial law it is safer to stay
inside. In this case there will be very few Keto options available…except
maybe the most obvious.
Man’s best friend, the dog, can also be man’s best meal in the case of quarantine. I understand that no one wants to eat their dog, as people develop intense emotionally codependent relationships with these animals. But if the dog understood that it was giving its life so that you could live healthier (by being Keto), it would understand.
Dog meat is not only life sustaining, it is also delicious and KETO FRIENDLY! After killing your dog (I recommend contacting the SPCA for reccomendations on humane euthanasia options), grind up some dog meat with your meat grinder and with simple ingredients like Zoodles (noodles made from vegetables like zucchini), ricotta cheese and mozzarella you can make a Keto Dog Lasagna.
A lot of you are probably thinking “what will I do once I finish eating the dog? What will I eat then?” I have one word for you: Preparation! No possibility should be left unexplored. If you believe that there is a chance you will have to consume your dog at some point it’s imperative that you NOT neuter your dog and begin purchasing other dogs (of the opposite gender). Start breeding in advance of any emergency. That way you will have a whole stable of dogs to choose from.
Because these dogs won’t be going out for walks, their flesh will be fattier and primed for consumption over the typical dogs that take several walks per day and develop unappetizing muscle mass. Keep breeding. Learn how to make your dogs attracted to each other and make sure they produce many litters of pups by having sex very often. Dress your dogs in lingerie to increase their attraction to one another. Use dog-friendly perfumes which are a natural aphrodisiac that dogs cannot resist. You can make some money on the side by filming your dogs having sex, posting the footage on YouTube and watching the ad revenue pour in.
can have generations of litter interbreed and only a percentage of the dogs
will come out with genetic defects. Please note that these defects rarely
affect the flavor of the meat.
Learn the essentials of butchering and how to properly parse your dog’s corpse into its most edible components. If you don’t like the taste of organ meat, you can feed the organs to your remaining dogs to keep them healthy and well-fed without breaking the bank.
As a sidebar, we’ve all heard of the dog whose bark is worse than its bite. Well sometimes bark can be better than a bite of dog. Assuming it’s safe to go outside, stripping a tree of its bark and boiling it into a fondue with some heavy cream and other scraps you have lying around can be a delicious subsistence way to enjoy one of nature’s gifts to man…and it’s KETO FRIENDLY! Just don’t eat it with crackers, they are full of nasty carbs. You can take some wood chips or rocks from outside and use them to dip into the fondue. You can’t digest the rocks but you can use it as a kind of spoon. Don’t let anyone tell you that Keto food is hard to access! It’s right in front of you! NO EXCUSES! Being healthy, slim and fit always needs to be priority number one, global crisis or no.
Step Five: Can I eat my own fecal
One question that I get asked alot is whether or not one can eat their own fecal matter in the case of a food shortage. Predictably, the addendum to that inquiry is whether or not fecal matter is keto friendly.
This is a complex question to answer. Fecal matter is highly edible, although not particularly palatable. It is Keto Friendly if you haven’t been eating carbs. Essentially, feces is the food you have already eaten, but more smelly and disgusting looking.
The body digests the delicious parts of the foods and evacuates the nasty tasting parts out of your rectum. Therefore most people do not enjoy eating fecal matter. I am of the opinion that it’s fine to eat feces as long as you have been practicing keto for a good amount of time and there is no risk of any carb chunks being present.
Many people find it difficult to get over the very strong, foul taste of fecal matter. For this I recommend a spritz of yellow mustard, which is gluten free and keto friendly. It has a lot of vinegar in it which masks the phosphorus smell that is so unattractive in fecal matter.
Another question I am often asked is whether or not one can drink urine...or eat fecal matter that has been floating in a bath of urine (usually in the toilet or in apocalypse scenarios with no plumbing, in a bucket). The answer is an emphatic YES.
Urine is not only a refreshing and salty beverage, it is also naturally ketogenic and has a myriad of other health benefits. Scientists from around the globe have been preaching urine’s health benefits for decades, and it’s frankly a shock that the mainstream scientific community has systematically ignored this ‘superfood.’
For men, urine is great in pandemic/apocalypse scenarios if there is a cup shortage because they can aim their penis upwards and urinate directly into their own mouths.
Step Six: Develop a Workout Regimen
the case of a pandemic, epidemiologists recommend quarantining entire segments
of the population in order to ‘flatten the curve.’ In the case of coronavirus
(COVID-19), most people under the age of 70 are not at great risk of dying if
they are infected, and in fact many people are asymptomatic. Quarantining
measures are not taken to protect the lives of younger people, but rather to
slow the spread of the virus so as not to overwhelm the hospital system.
while you are quarantined at home doing society a favor by flattening the curve
make sure to flatten those abs!
There are a plethora of great workouts you can do from the comfort of your home without a pricey gym membership. Just google them. Pushups, sit-ups and jogging in place are all great options. If you are breeding dogs for food (as you should) you can lift up pups or even small full grown dogs and use them as weights if you don’t have dumbbells.
Step Seven: Build a House of Mirrors
One technique which is very effective for all dieters, not just Keto Dieters is the old House of Mirrors trick. Place mirrors in all corners of your home. Make sure there are no places where you can escape to without seeing your reflection. Confront the grotesque fat you have on your body at every second. It is unbearable to look at fat! You will be instantly motivated to make it melt away with an exclusively Ketogenic diet!
of today we don’t know what will happen with the COVID-19 pandemic. Many
outcomes are possible. The point of this text is to make you realize that no
matter what the obstacles are, it is possible to practice the keto diet, be
healthy and lose weight. Our existence on this planet is fragile to say the
least. This world is made up of infinite
possibilities, great joys and terrible tragedies. Within this context of
uncertainty and fragility you are now prepared to practice Keto and be the most
physically attractive person you can be.
listed on the front cover and title page of this book, my name is Moshe C.
Bragge, pHD. I am a clinician. My specialties are the Keto Diet, CBD and the
use of hallucinogenic mushrooms to lose weight. Used in tandem, these three
things represent the holy trinity of weight loss. For those that prefer not to
ingest psychoactive substances this Keto guide is a perfect starter for getting
shape in the midst of an emerging pandemic.
This book is dedicated to my beautiful wife Stephanie, my healthy happy and fit young son Robert and to the developers at the Apple computer company. Without the use of their iPad and iPhone products, this book very well may never have been written, as its text was composed on those devices exclusively. I’d also like to thank Wikipedia, the website which provided much of the scientific data I have used in this book. In addition, thanks to Amazon and Amazon Kindle for giving me the platform to publish my research. Finally I would like to send my earnest thanks to Dr.Jordan Peterson for his inspirational writings. Presently he is in rehab for addiction to Klonopin and I do wish him the best as his writings and research have laid the groundwork for this book.
When Moshe C. Bragge sent me the first draft of the tome you are about to imbibe I was highly skeptical to say the least. I’d never heard of Dr. Bragge, and quite honestly I felt that he was stepping on my toes. CBD research and writing has been my field for years and to have a young upstart try to make CBD their topic felt just plain wrong. I went into the reading of his manuscript with that type of jealous skepticism in mind. But after just a few pages I completely changed my tune. Dr. Bragge’s research is both groundbreaking within the field of Psychology and deeply moving in its emotional honesty and complexity. You, the reader, are in for a real treat with this book. The original manuscript that Dr. Bragge sent me was over 300 pages. I strongly encouraged him to heavily edit the book down to just a few pages of the most important information. My opinion as a medical writer and clinician is that a strong, urgent and brief piece of work will have the greatest effect on society as a whole. Enjoy The Miracles of CBD Therapy.
The Miracles of CBD Therapy
Five years ago I was the very picture of dysfunction. My life was falling apart before my eyes and everything seemed hopeless. I had lost the will to live and was on the brink of suicide. I found myself standing at a lake. I was so far gone that I had lost the ability to even feel pain and I was ready to jump. The thought of ending it all filled me with so much relaxation and comfort that I’d enter a revery just thinking about abandoning the hardships of this world. Would I be leaving behind my wife Stephanie and my little boy Robert? Yes. I love my wife and my son, but the pain was too great. Since childhood I’ve suffered from acute anxiety and depression. I’ve been to every shrink in town and been prescribed every medication in the book. I’ve also self medicated with illicit drugs and alcohol for decades. Using drugs and alcohol to solve your problems is like banging your head against a wall to get rid of a headache; it only makes things worse. My daily routine around this time looked something like this: wake up at 10am, hit my bong and take 2 Xanax and 2 Percocet. When the pills started to do their job I’d take a shot or two of Jameson and then call an Uber to work (I was a clinical psychologist at Johns Hopkins, my alma mater). I’d arrive at about noon and sit motionless staring at the screensaver on my desktop trying to escape the pain between cocaine snorting sessions in the bathroom. When lunch time came around at 1:30pm I’d go to the local pub and eat a massive platter of chicken, vegetables,and 4-5 Spiked Seltzers (I was and still am on the Keto diet). I’d return to the office at around 3:30 pm, take a nap, then leave work at 4:30pm to imbibe any drug I could get my hands. I’d go to the local bars and meet other nefarious addicts who would often wind up at my home, much to the chagrin of Stephanie. Wash, rinse, repeat every day for years on end. My cycles of addiction and depravity were more predictable than a romantic comedy. I could only console myself with the fact that I wasn’t overweight, thanks to the Keto diet.
On that fateful day five years ago, I stood at the lake ready to jump in and drown myself when suddenly I was interrupted by a gaggle of young adults at the other side of the park puffing on what appeared to be marijuana vape. I approached them with the intention of asking for a puff, thinking it mightt be nice to die with a little buzz. “Hey dude, let me get a puff of that weed” I said. “Huh?” the young boy, who couldn’t have been older than 14 responded. “This isn’t weed, this is CBD.”
“It’s not about that! It’s an effective way to treat anxiety and many other disorders.”
“Let me try that shit” I said to the boy. I rudely pulled the vapor pen out of his hands and took a puff. My life has never been the same since. All of the depression and worry instantly melted away, like a snowman on a warm winter’s day. But unlike the macabre image of a dying snowman, I was filled with a joy and a lust for life the likes of which I had never experienced. Needless to say, I did not kill myslef that fateful day. And it’s all thanks to CBD and to the little boy who shared his vape pen with me, whose name I never did get (If you’re out there, please email me at moshecbraggeMD@yahoo.com and let me know what your name is so that I can edit future editions of this book with that information.)
Read on to find out the who, what, why, where and when of using CBD to change your life!
Chapter One: Drastic Times Call for Drastic Pleasures
Before I talk about the primary subject of this book (CBD), I want to get one thing out of the way. It’s 2019 and while marijuana is becoming increasingly tolerated and easy to obtain in this country it is still the dangerous and potentially life threatening intoxicant that it has always been. In addition to triggering both visual and auditory hallucinations, marijuana can provoke rather intensive paranoia and anxiety. In other words, it’s far from the ‘recreational’ substance that it’s known to be. I’ll go on record now in stating that I strongly oppose the legalization of Marijuana in any form and feel that those who distribute it should be dealt the harshest punishments available under the law. Now, that being said, I must admit that without the efforts of those in the marijuana legalization communities, CBD may never have been legalized. And for that I must give them credit. Because of their tireless efforts, CBD is available for purchase at every gas station, Pharmacy and corner store across this great land (america). But I want to go on record that this book in no way endorses or intends to glamorize the use of marijuana, which is in my opinion one of the most nefarious illicit drugs on the market. There’s a reason why it has been illegal for so many decades and I hope to god that that does not change. I am an MD, and my professional medical opinion is that marijuana is NOT good.
CBD, on the other hand, is a risk-free and holistic substance that I’ve seen used to better the lives of many people. So what is the difference between marijuana and CBD?
According to www.healthline.com, “Both CBD and THC have the exact same molecular structure: 21 carbon atoms, 30 hydrogen atoms, and 2 oxygen atoms. A slight difference in how the atoms are arranged accounts for the differing effects on your body.”
In layman’s terms, this means that scientists have taken the atoms, which are very tiny balls that can be arranged to make things, and rearranged them to change the marijuana from a bad illicit substance into a good legal one (CBD). When my colleagues in the medical community initially told me about the CBD, I was highly skeptical. My medical opinion was that I did not think that the atoms could be moved around in such a way, but I was wrong. As it turns out, CBD is truly a miracle cure for all that ails me (and others).
Experiencing the depths of despair and drug addiction and reaching rock bottom are what helped guide me to the CBD, via the nameless boy mentioned in the book’s preface. But the moment I took my first hit of CBD things changed. I had focus. I had energy. The anxiety I had experienced for so many years was gone. It was like I had been living my life in a cave and CBD was the proverbial ‘light at the end of the tunnel.’
I am a medical professional, which is a stressful job to say the least. The stress of being a Dr. can weigh on a person, but knowing that there is a fat blunt of CBD waiting for me to smoke when I get home helps me get through the day. I like to think about how the CBD smoke will taste on my lips as I smoke it on the couch while little Robert plays video games and Stephanie does the dishes. I also stop at the local vape shop on the way to work each day to get a 35ml bottle of CBD tincture, which I drink throughout the day. If that is not sufficient, I may supplement it with a package of CBD gummies and/or a puff of my CBD pen. This helps regulate my anxiety and stress so that I can do a better job throughout the work day and be the best doctor I can be.
Chapter Two: What Can CBD do for you?
CBD is most immediately recognized as being an effective treatment for psychological disorders like anxiety and depression. And it most certainly is that. You’re probably asking yourself “can i just puff the CBD vape like Dr. Bragge did and get rid of the problems I have?”
The answer is complex. Yes, smoking CBD will instantly relieve most of your problems and irrational worries. But it will not make everything go away magically. Our neuroses stem from deep seated issues that are difficult to untangle. Dr Sigmund Freud realized that many of the problems we have are the ones from childhood, and it’s hard to go back in time to erase those problems from our past. We are humans; very intelligent and complex animals (much like dogs, who also use CBD–more on that later). In order to unravel the complex web of emotions, CBD treatment is recommended to be supplemented with intensive psychotherapy. For example, if you get ahold of some powerful CBD you will feel good. But if you combine CBD with therapy, you will feel great, and be able to get rid of many of the problems you have. You could also use a powerful psychological tool like EST (Electro Shock Therapy) in combination with CBD to get a very large amount of therapy at once!
Many people cannot afford therapy, as it is quite expensive. In this case, I recommend purchasing Dr. Jordan Peterson’s book 12 Rules of Life. This was the psychology book that inspired me to go to med school and get my doctorate in psychology. Dr. Peterson’s book is a guide for how to be a good person and do things the right way. Supplemented with CBD, it is a pipe bomb of explosive rationality and functionality. 12 Rules in Life is “The book is divided into chapters with each title representing a specific rule for life explained in an essay” according to Wikipedia. The chapters are all good and deal with a different rules of life. I have devised the ultimate plan for reading Dr. Peterson’s book, combining each chapter (or rule) with a different CBD product.
Stand up straight with your shoulders back (MediHaze)
Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping (Ringo’s Gift)
Make friends with people who want the best for you (Charlotte’s Web)
Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today (Remedy)
Do not let your children do anything that makes you dislike them Dancehall
Set your house in perfect order before you criticize the world ACDC
Pursue what is meaningful (not what is expedient) Harlequin
Tell the truth – or, at least, don’t lie Sweet and Sour Widow
Assume that the person you are listening to might know something you don’t Stephen Hawking Kush
Be precise in your speech Cannatonic
Do not bother children when they are skateboarding Sour Tsunami
Pet a cat when you encounter one on the street Pennywise
Pairing these CBD strains with each respective chapter of Dr. Peterson’s masterpiece guarantees a sound mind and will be far cheaper than years of pricey clinical psychotherapy. I recommend mixing up your method of consumption as well. Like, for Rule 1 use a tincture, but for Rule 2 smoke a CBD blunt and for Rule 3 use a vape. You can mix and match however you like. Everyone must find their own path for discovering inner peace. It’s not supposed to be easy–but with CBD it’s a heck of a lot easier than it was before.
CBD for Pets
It’s all the rage these days–pet stores that specialize in CBD treats to calm ‘man’s best friend’–the dog. I personally have mixed feelings about the ethics and efficacy of feeding CBD to animals. Because I use CBD, feeding my animal the same substance disrupts the inherent hierarchical relationship a dog must necessarily have with its master. The dog will begin to think he is as good or better than the human which can lead to dog attacks and bites when they realize they cannot speak or stand on their hind legs like a human can.
This chart shows a very clear trend that dog attacks and bites are on the rise. These numbers were far lower years ago, and it is no coincidence that the rise in dog bites corresponds precisely with the trend of feeding CBD to pets, especially dogs. If dog is really “man’s best friend” as common parlance would have us believe, why would they be attacking us at such startling rates? The answer is that they WERE our best friends, until we began force feeding them CBD and rapidly dissolving the structure that humans have been developing with dogs for over 500 years.
That said, some animals do well with CBD, and in that case I encourage you to feed it to them.
CBD and Diet
Being healthy and happy is what we all want out of our lives. CBD can help us get there, but we will never be happy if we are fat. Being fat is one of the leading causes of unhappiness among people these days. BMI numbers are through the roof and obesity is an epidemic. We try to treat ourselves using CBD therapy, which is very effective. However, the presence of the notorious “CBD munchies” doesn’t help much in keeping us slim and trim.
In order to stay fit, trim and attractive, my family and I have been practicing the Keto diet for many years with wonderful results. Dr. Jordan Peterson has taken the Keto one step further and consumes only beef and water and this has cured him of various cancers. He is also very healthy and good looking. Even though Dr. Peterson only eats beef, people respect his medical and philosophical opinions. THe big question is: does he use CBD products?
It is not common for others in the medical establishment to encourage an alternative diet such as the Keto, but my professional medical opinion is that the Keto is the natural way humans were supposed to live. In our primitive past we did not have access to processed sugars and bags of enriched flour, but rather we would eat the animals we could find and kill. We ate the animals without any seasonings (like Jordan Peterson does).
Jordan Peterson is naturally accustomed to using fewer seasonings and eating less flavorful food, as he is from Canada. The animals our primitive ancestors would hunt included deer and fishes, or in the case of arctic natives, seals and walrus. These dead animals are naturally keto because they do not contain the carbs which make us fat.
I have written extensively about the Keto diet in my previous publication Keto for Kids, which is available for purchase on Amazon.com as a Kindle Book. It will help you to avoid the pitfalls that many parents (who are bad) fall into, in letting their child become a fat pig. Slim, healthy and attractive children are one of the finest things in life. When they become fat and grotesque it is unsightly, unhealthy and flat out disgusting.
The CBD munchies are a real problem, but as long as you munch on Keto friendly snacks like beef liver, beef heart, ground beef or fish, it will not interrupt the Ketosis happening in your body.
CBD and Sexuality
Many people these days are interested in having sexual experiences and engaging in sexual activities, such as coitus. In fact, according to Doctors, Having an active and healthy sex life is critical in maintaing a balanced and good life. How can CBD effect your sex life?
The fact of the matter is, sex on CBD is one of the most profoundly beautiful things I’ve ever experienced. When I make love to my wife Stephanie, I always take 10 puffs of the CBD vape before, during and after. Unfortunately Stephanie does not partake of the CBD and is therefore deeply unhappy and does not enjoy the sexual experiences as much as I do. I have encouraged her time and again to use the CBD regularly. She always claims that it “doesn’t do anything.” My medical diagnosis is that it DOES do something. I am a doctor, and she is not, therefore I know that it works.
Because I use CBD to regulate my anxiety and depression, I am a well balanced person and am able to have a functional relationship with Stephanie even though she is deeply sad and miserable to be around. When things get really bad, I supplement my CBD intake with several shots of Vodka (which is naturally ketogenic). I do not wish to drink alcohol, but Stephanie’s fragile emotional state forces me to. For the love of God, I wish that she would start taking CBD to become a happier and better person. This would make both of our lives (and the life of our young Robert) so much better.
CBD and Crime
Because CBD is a legal substance, it is not against the law to carry or sell it, which is one of many reasons why it is very different from marijuana.
This chart shows that compared to the times when weed was popular (1996) the violent crimes were very high, but now that CBD is popular, the crimes are just getting less and less.
This is great for various reasons, but for me as a medical doctor, it makes my life easier. Because there are fewer violently wounded people coming into my doctor’s office, I can take more time to relax. It is my medical opinion that the decrease in crime rate is correlated precisely with the preponderance of CBD. I look forward to a future where CBD is administered to all people every day. It is not until we implement such policies that crime will be eradicated all together.
Our society is a very crime infested place. Many people are scared to even leave their homes for fear of being brutally murdered or killed. The criminals out there are the people who are not using CBD. In fact, criminals often use illegal drugs like marijuana. By using illegal drugs, you are breaking the law, and therefore a criminal to begin with. Get the picture?
CBD is legal, so there is nothing wrong with using it, and if you are doing so it does not mean you are a criminal.
CBD and Religious Experience
Throughout human history people have been using psychoactive chemicals such as LSD, mushrooms, peyote and yage to achieve transcendent spiritual experiences. This has been done through self medication, or guided with a guru or shaman. These hallucinogenic chemicals can lead to profound religious experiences that are otherwise only attainable through prolonged meditation sessions. Religion and ritual are a timeless aspect of human existence and are key to navigating man’s relation to nature and the beyond. The drugs that people typically use to experience revelatory psychedelic trips are highly illegal, and for good reason. They are dangerous and can lead to schizophrenia in those who are predisposed. CBD is not a psychoactive chemical, so it would not be useful for those attempting have a transcendent religious experience.
Faster than a Bird, Faster than a Plane: How to Boost Self Confidence and Feel Like Superman Using CBD
One of the top worst problems facing American’s today is low self-esteem. As a doctor, I see patient after patient utterly crippled by debilitating lack of confidence. One of my favorite analogies is Superman. He’s a very great and confident hero who is strong and has the ability to fly. The only thing that makes him not as good is a green substance called Kryptonite. So CBD is much like kryptonite, in that it is exactly its opposite. Instead of making you not as good, it makes you better…and can even make you as good as SuperMan.
I am just a Dr. I’m not a wizard or a saint. But I feel like a mythical strongman when I use CBD. I am Superman when i drip those 4 drops of oil under my tongue and wait for the anxiety to fade and the power to expand.
There is so much sadness in America today, and suicide rates are at an all time high. Why the suicide hotlines aren’t mandated to send a complimentary bottle of CBD tincture to anyone who calls in is beyond me. Parents: if your children are suicidal I urge you to dose their beverages with CBD and just watch the difference it makes.
When my little Robert was born he would wake us up at all hours of the night needing to be fed just so he could go back to sleep. Stephanie and I were not getting good sleep and could barely function. We started giving Robert 4-5 drops of CBD every time he’d wake up, and it really did the trick in having him chill out and stop crying.
Not all heroes wear capes. But in this case, I did feel like Super Man even though I didn’t have a cape on.
Break Up to Make Up: CBD Marriage Counseling
I am happily married to my wife Stephanie and I love her to death. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her. She’s beautiful, intelligent and understands who I am deep down inside. It can be difficult for those of us in the medical profession to be honest and open about our feelings. We are inundated by our workload and taught that life is a process dictated by biologies which we are still learning to understand. Feelings don’t enter the equation. With Stephanie, I am able to open up and be honest about my feelings. In other words, I can be me!
BUt things weren’t always so easy. We have been through many vicious fights and ups and downs. Stephanie can be a very difficult person. She does not like to admit her mistakes, and when rules are established it goes without saying that she will break them.
As a medical doctor, my diagnosis is that Stephanie is a deeply maligned and troubled person. She’s lucky to have a tolerant, forgiving and financially stable partner like myself.
At some point about 5 years ago it seemed like divorce was inevitable for us. I was at the height of my addiction to drugs and alcohol. Stephanie was not supportive of me at all. She kept threatening to leave me and telling me to get a job. THese negative threats hurt my already fragile ego even more and forced me down a deeper rabbit hole of depravity. When I took $600 from her purse to fund a 2 night cocaine binge with a female friend, she screamed and cried for almost an hour. She forgave me shortly thereafter, but the histrionic reaction she had made me realize that she was not well. I took it upon myself to get clean so that I could responsibly handle my unstable wife and her various issues. How could I expect to care for another person if I could not adequately care for myself?
When CBD entered the picture and I got clean, things changed. My marriage to Stephanie is much better now. She doesn’t scream and cry as much. We have learned to give each other distance and space. For example, if our baby Robert is crying and screaming and Stephanie is getting stressed out about it, I will leave the house and go to the vape shop to try some new CBD strains, or maybe even go catch a movie or concert. No point in being around the stress and negativity, as those are signs that Stephanie needs time to herself to tend to the baby.
I couldn’t have come to this realization through traditional science or medicine. I needed to use CBD to find these answers for myself.
In conclusion, CBD has helped me become the person I am today. In addition to reading Dr. Jordan Peterson’s books and listening to his podcast, CBD has shaped my positive and productive outlook on life. The words I have written in this tome are not to be taken lightly and should be read and re-read. For that reason, following this page, the content of the book repeats itself 5 times. It is recommended that readers read this book AT LEAST 5 times (if not more) in order to absorb its full message.
It is my medical opinion as a Dr. that many people will benefit from the effects of this book and of CBD. Congratulations on reading this book and bettering yourself.
An Essay on Lifestyle and Mental Health by Dr. Moshe C. Bragge, PhD
Life is profoundly confusing, stressful, painful. To find a reason to stay alive in a world which is so cruel, callous, chaotic and random can be difficult to say the least. Suicide is the only logical choice for the sane and rational among us. But in spite of all that, we fight with every ounce of strength we have to stay alive. But does life HAVE to be SO difficult, SO challenging?
I cherish every opportunity I get to fly in an airplane because it means I’ll get to spend some time in an airport.
Moshe C. Bragge
As you probably guessed by the title of this essay, I love airports. If I ever have a ticket to fly, I like to arrive 4-6 hours before my flight just to basque in the well-lit glow of the airport’s terminals. I like to savor the experience of being in an airport because it’s so distant from the cruelty of our daily lives. It’s a place where people are kind to one another. A place where there is order, structure. There are no food shortages in the airport, and you don’t run the risk of soiling your clothing as there’s always a bathroom right around the corner. People in airports are able to relax at the comfy seats in the terminal waiting areas. Instead of the existential dread of uncertainty that daily life confronts us with, airports provide us with helpful screens that let us know our flight status. And if that level of comfort was not enough, there are kind employees that work for the airlines stationed at each terminal.
Airports are controlled environments where stress is virtually nonexistent.
Moshe C. Bragge, PhD
Crimes don’t happen in airports and when they do happen the criminals are dealt with swiftly. Let’s not forget the diverse array of foods that are available for purchase. Anything you’d ever want to eat is available at airports for a reasonable price. All of my favorite fast food chains are represented in the airports of today; from Burger King to McDonalds all the way to Dunkin Donuts and beyond.
(Speaking of Beyond, I highly recommend the Dunkin Donuts Beyond Sausage Breakfast Melt if you’re in the mood for a healthy and meat-free treat).
Moshe C. Bragge, PhD
Not to mention that many of today’s airports have great shopping opportunities available. At the Philadelphia International Airport there’s a Gap for clothing purchases. If you’re flying to a funeral or wedding you can buy the formal attire of your choosing without a problem right in the airport without having to think about packing a pesky suitcase.
Are you a bookworm? Literally every airport is armed with a bookstore. Find a great tome that’s just right for you and snuggle up with it during or before your flight. For those of you who like to relax with an adult beverage (alcohol), all airports have wonderful bars that carry great liquors and beers. I don’t drink, but I often like to sit in the airport bars just to watch others drink. It always strikes me that the travelers in airports are far less rowdy than the riff raff that hang out in bars in the ‘real world.’ They seem contented, mild mannered, controlled.
Life is a journey, not a destination.
Moshe. C. Bragge, PhD
Why can’t we do something to make the real world as structured, safe and pleasant as an airport? Why can’t every bathroom be as clean as an airport bathroom? What is preventing us from experiencing this utopia of structure and functionally? Airports dangle the forbidden fruit before our eyes. “Look,” the airport says, “the happiness you’ve always dreamed of DOES exist.” But why only in the few hours of waiting for domestic or international flights do we get to experience euphoria? Why do train stations still reek of urine, while airports are spiffy and clean as a whistle? If a bus stop could be even 1/20th of what any airport is, I’d ride the bus every day.
The fact is that we have to do our darndest to bring structure and order to our lives in order to make our daily experience more comparable to living inside an airport. This means cleaning your bathroom constantly, petitioning for fast food chains to open up in your neighborhood, eradicating problematic friendships from your life and having an ever present will to go on a great adventure. When I speak of adventure, I don’t refer to a flight to Ft. Lauderdale, FL or Dallas, TX. No, I refer to the adventure of life. Life is a journey, not a destination. So take a cue from your local airport and do your damndest to make your journey more comfortable.
So, you want to sound like the Red Hot Chilli Peppers on a budget? Not so easy to do. Not only is their music very difficult to play, the gear John Frusciante and other people in the band use is very expensive to purchase! Even when John Frusiciante wasn’t in the band and the Josh guitarist took his place his gear was very expensive. This can be very disappointing for the up and coming funk-rock player.
Luckily, with this guide, you can learn how to achieve the funk-rock sound of the RHCP band without all the hassle of purchasing an extremely expensive gear rig.
Get a guitar
On RHCP songs such as “Califronication” and “Give it Away” John achieves great tone through the use of his expensive gear such as a Fender Stratocaster and a Vox AC30 amplifier. These items are way too pricey for the guitarist on a budget to afford. Cumulatively these items could cost as much as $600, which is too much money for the guitarist on a budget. Luckily all guitars sound the same. The difference is just in the look of it. So why not go for something a little more affordable?
Let’s face it, rock music is a loud genre. So you’ll need an amp to get loud with, just like John Frusciante would do. But the prices of amps these days will force you to live “Under the Bridge” for months because you will not be able to make your rent payments if you purchase one. Luckily there are some great affordable models available on the market today.
I can’t say enough good things about this ZoWeeTek Headphone Amp. It is nice way to hear the excellent rock sounds your guitar is making without waking up parents, neighbors and lovers. At the very cheap price of $29, it costs alot less than the John Frusciante amps, but it doesn’t disappoint. In fact, for the price point it is far superior to the overpriced, heavy and loud rigs that John uses.
Red Hot Chilli Pedals
Mr. Frusciante along with Josh, the other guy, use a plethora of extremely cool pedals to achieve the sound that they worked for. This includes Digitech Whammys, Electro Harmonix MicroSynthesizers and many other cool pedals. In fact, if you watch the Rig Rundown video of Josh, he has so many that they are on multiple boards and a British man was hired to go on tour just to manage all the pedals.
While it’s undoubtedly very cool to have such a big pedalboard with so many pedals, it’s impossible to afford for the funk rock guitarist on a budget. In order to make enough money to afford those pedals, you need to already be a famous rock star. But how do you get famous as a rock star without the pedals? Up to now this has been the Catch-22 of budding guitar heroes.
We have talked about the ammoon PockRock ad nauseum on this site. Well, sorry to sound like a broken record, but this is the be all and end all of multi-effect pedals. Featuring 5 effect modules, this unit has everything you need to sound like both John Frusciante and Josh. And at $35, it is way cheaper than spending the hundreds of dollars on pedals that John Frusicante does.
Know Your Role
Flea, who plays bass with the Chilli Peppers, is in very good shape even though he is old. He often shows his bare chest and exposes that he has been working out. His cool rock guy tattoos shine nicely on his muscular frame. The same goes for the singer guy, Anthony. John Frusciante (and Josh) probably also work out. They are more thin in build, which is a very sexy look for some people. You’re not going to emulate the Chilli Peppers by being fat or normal. You need to have big muscles or be very skinny. But who has the time or money for a gym membership?
Another great way to lose weight is through the Keto Diet. There are a plethora of great books on how to lose weight fast using this revolutionary fat-based diet that encourages exclusive consumption of bacon, whipped cream and butter. My favorite is Keto for Kids by Dr. Moshe C. Bragge.
It is well known that the Chilli Peppers dabbled in Heroin, a very dangerous substance. It won’t be easy to emulate the Chilli Peppers without an intoxicant, but who wants the hassle of buying illegal heroin and fostering an expensive and unhealthy addiction? That’s why I reccomend CBD Gummies, which can be purchased on Amazon.com! Chew on these neat Gummies before practice, during a gig, or any time you’re just rocking out to become a truly intoxicated Chilli Pepper!