I know what you’re probably thinking: YOU SHOULD KNOW YOUR ADDRESS! Friends, I’m here to tell you that not everyone knows their own address, and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. There are a plethora of reasons why an individual may not know their own address. In my case, I suffer from a Traumatic Brain Injury that affects my memory.
A little about me: I attended Duke University on a Football Scholarship. I had one foot in the realm of academia (I was studying Epistemology and the thesis I was working on had groundbreaking insights into both Kant and Hegel, as well as a solid refutation of some early theories of Spinoza) and my other foot was in Football.
I was a force to be reckoned with. I had both the brains and the body; men and women alike fawned over me and wanted desperately to be my lover. I am bi-sexual so this attention was welcome, however I am also very discerning when it comes to affairs of the heart. Even though I had dozens, perhaps hundreds of male and female suitors, I only became intimate with 9 of them; 6 males and 3 females. I had an open relationship with all of them at the same time.
Now, you may be thinking that my traumatic brain injury was caused by playing football. However, you’d be very wrong in that assumption. I was so adept at catching the ball, and my speed was so lightning fast that I was never tackled, not once. My brain injury resulted from something else entirely. When I was in the midst of my 9 love affairs I’d show affection in the form of baking. I’m not one for pecks on the cheek or hugs or the like. My favorite baked good to prepare for my male and female companions was banana bread. As you can imagine, with 9 lovers to bake for, there were never ending loaves of banana bread being prepared. This also meant that there were a plethora of banana peels laying on my kitchen floor. It was inevitable that one day I’d slip on a peel…and finally after 4 years of making my banana breads, I did slip on a peel. It was on the day I was supposed to present my thesis on Kant and Hegel to the thesis committee.
I slipped on a stray peel and my head hit the floor. Blood was gushing and I saw small fragments of skull and brain matter on the ground. I was so determined to present my research to the committee and defend my groundbreaking thesis that I ignored medical treatment and rushed to school. I wore a dark colored beanie to soak up the blood and brain matter that was leaking from my skull.
My adrenaline was rushing and I felt no pain as I defended my controversial refutation of Kant’s third formulation. It was a tough committee. They threw me many curveballs in the midst of my defense. I was forced against my will to justify my positions through the lens of Dialectical Materialism. Luckily my keen research into both Hegelian and Marxist dialectical traditions paid off. The committee was impressed with my defense and even complimented me on my stylish beanie. I was awarded my Master’s Degree in Philosophy. It was 4pm and I felt relieved…until I remembered that that championship game of the football season was to take place at 6pm.
I rushed across campus to the football field and placed the helmet over my injured head. The tight inner padding of the helmet rubbed against my exposed brain matter. It hurt like hell, but I was determined to win this game for the home team.
Fastforward to 8pm and we’ve won the NCAA Championships. I was proud, but also concerned about my injury. There’s a well-equipped hospital not even one mile from Duke’s football field. I ran there as fast as I could. I was taken directly to the ICU when I showed the receptionist my fractured skull.
A doctor came to my side and told me I had suffered a traumatic brain injury. “What the hell!…How is that possible?” I screamed at the doctor. I was enraged. “In many cases we can avoid traumatic brain injuries, but it appears that you rubbed something against the exposed brain matter. Is this possible?””Doctor, it was just a beanie and then a football helmet, that’s all!'”That’s all it takes, son.”The doctor was sympathetic and rubbed my shoulders in a loving, fatherly way. “It’s not so bad. Many people live full lives even with traumatic brain injuries. But you will need to learn how to adapt. For example, you’ll never remember what your address is from now on.” I was devastated. I felt droplets forming in my eyes. I had no control over my emotions. A deluge of tears began streaming down my face. The doctor hugged me. “How will I ever know what my address is?” I pleaded.The doctor shrugged and in that moment I felt myself slip away into unconsciousness. It had been a long day and I was dead tired.
In the morning I was discharged from the hospital. I hailed a taxi cab. “Where to?” said the gruff driver.I couldn’t remember what my address was.”WHERE TO BUDDY?””I…I don’t know”The driver was angry now. “GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CAB!”I was lost and had no idea where I lived. The detrimental side effects of this traumatic brain injury were already wreaking havoc on my life!
Figuring out where I lived seemed hopeless. I walked endlessly until I stumbled upon a realtor’s office. They set me up with a new home. I got settled in. Tidied up. Made the space livable.
As I used the lovely kitchenette to make my inaugural loaf of banana bread, I realized that I had no idea what my new address was. Out of desperation I searched google. “What is my address?” A bunch of garbage came up. Then I clicked on the link for whatismyaddress.org …and it was that easy.It told me EXACTLY what my address was. “This is a godsend” I thought to myself, “a great website for someone like me.”
I got accustomed to my new life at my new home. I lost contact with my 9 lovers, as I had forgotten my old address and didn’t know how to reach them. I was also embarrassed about my brain injury. I didn’t want to go on a lengthy diatribe explaining what had happened. They were good lovers, but I knew I could do better. I set about finding a new set of lovers to keep me company. Using a popular online dating service I made dates with several dozen people of various genders.
Of the 53 people I went on dates with, I decided to continue seeing 14 of them. After the courting period, we’d get to that awkward moment where they’d ask where I live. “Dammit!” I’d think to myself. “Ok, well what is your zip code? Your neighborhood? Your county?” they’d often follow up with. “Shit!” I’d think. I was the perfect date in every other way; highly intelligent, very attractive and extremely wealthy. But my Achilles’ Heel was my inability to remember my own address. I’d awkwardly excuse myself and rush to a toilet stall to look up my address on whatismyaddress.org.
The first time I did this, we were dining at Pietro’s Pizzeria in Philadelphia, located at 1714 Walnut St. I told my date that I had a very bad case of diarrhea and I ran to the toilet. I went to whatismyaddress.org and found that my address was 1714 Walnut St. I returned from the bathroom, explained that I had expunged all of the liquid fecal matter from my bowels, and then told the date my address “Earlier you inquired about my address,” I said. “well, it’s 1714 Walnut St.”
“1714 Walnut St?” my date said sarcastically. “So you live in Pietro’s Pizzeria? The very restaurant where we are currently dining.” He began to loudly guffaw.This is the moment when I learned that whatismyaddress.org doesn’t tell you where you reside, but rather the address where you are currently situated. I realized my own mistake but didn’t want to allow this insolent nobody to get one over on me.
“Yes, I do live above this pizzeria. In fact, I own it.”I immediately excused myself for the second time by saying that my diarrhea was acting up again. I bribed a waiter with a $20 bill and told her to play along with me and pretend I was the owner.
The bribed waiter came to our table and did as she was told…but she wasn’t a great actor. She was not able to successfully convey that I was the owner without cracking a smile or breaking into laughter. I shooed her away. I felt embarrassed so I excused myself on account of the diarrhea once again but this time I simply darted out of the establishment never to return again. Needless to say, I didn’t see my date again. I didn’t like his insolent attitude, but he inadvertently taught me a valuable lesson in how to properly use whatismyaddress.org.
After 7 months, my 14 new lovers all moved into my new home. It was a three bedroom house, so it was a tight squeeze, but we all got along so well that it felt like a neverending sleepover party. We’d go on field trips to the Zoo or various museums, and go on whatismyaddress.org to use its “Nearby” feature to find other significant locations in the region.
To say that whatismyaddress.org hadn’t changed my life for the better would be the understatement of the year. It helped me overcome my traumatic brain injury and find love and happiness. But this is just a small part of my life story.
I am no optimist; I don’t believe in true love…love is fleeting. I have split up with the 14 lovers I had at that moment in my life. I’ve moved on and found other, better, hotter people to live with and love with. I just want to paint a picture for you, dear reader, of the fragility of our feeble existence and how some websites can help us improve our lives.
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United States has participated in many wars including World War I and World War
ii but In March 2020 they went to war with their most challenging foe to
date–the Coronavirus, also known as COVID-19. This crippling virus caused
universal closures of restaurants, bars and gyms.
In a traditional war we can throw bombs at our enemies, but this virus cannot be shot with a pistol or grenade because it is too small to be seen. You could shoot a bullet from a gun in the air, and it might hit a coronavirus particle, but because the virus is so small, we will never know if the bullet hit it or not.
We could hire teams to shoot guns in the air in every direction all day long in order to kill the virus but the problem is they may hit a valuable object or person, and therefore is not an effective way to stop the spread of Coronavirus.
While its long-lasting effects are still unknown, we can most certainly ascertain that an unwanted side effect of our quarantined state will be weight gain. People will sit at home binge-watching Netflix and eating poisonous garbage that is filled with carbs.
Foods like cakes, pies and cookies will be consumed in abundance and as the Coronavirus pandemic levels off, the obesity epidemic will worsen. Lack of gym access will only heighten the problem. Binge eating carbs is a dangerous, unhealthy and unnecessary coping mechanism.
If only people knew: it is not only easy, but FUN to practice Keto while quarantined. You will eat great, lose weight and be in the best shape of your life…all from the comfort of your own home. When the period of extreme social distancing and mandatory isolation ends you will emerge from your home into our post-apocalyptic streets with your Quarantine Bod and impress those who have survived in your town. Read on to find out how you can utilize the Keto diet to become a hot and healthy survivor using this revolutionary new diet.
What is Keto?
The Keto Diet is a revolutionary new diet that drastically cuts carbohydrate intake. This forces your body into a metabolic process called “Ketosis.” When in Ketosis your body effectively burns fat for energy along with thousands of calories along the way.
I’ve used Keto to radically alter my own life and the lives of my family members. I wrote the book Keto for Kids because I was fearful of having a fat child. My little Robert was a plump baby and that didn’t sit well with me. I immediately cut off his supply of breast milk (which is high in carbs) and forced him onto a restrictive Keto diet.
Robert is now 12 years old and weighs a healthy 51 pounds. He is very thin and attractive and has not even touched a carbohydrate in years. To say that Keto drastically changed my life for the better would be an understatement. I have decided to devote the rest of my life to spreading the good word about Keto. Now, in the time of pandemic, we need it more than ever.
Step One: Eradicate All Carbs
The emerging Coronavirus epidemic is being fought using the technique of Social distancing to avoid rapid spread of the disease. If only obesity could be cured with social distancing! The unfortunate reality is that obese people are forced to socially distance because they are considered the dregs of society and no one wants to be around them.
The obese have been socially distancing for years. For the obese, socially distancing does not cure what ails them, nor does it prevent the spread of obesity. If anything, being socially distant reinforces their sadness. The vicious cycle continues ad nauseam while they consume fatty cakes and pies all along the way.
Don’t allow yourself to be a victim of the obesity epidemic! Walk to your pantry right now and throw away anything that has any carbohydrates! This includes milk (not heavy cream), crackers, rice, bread, beans, ketchup, all fruits, sugar, candy, ice cream and beer.
You may be saying to yourself “what the hell will I eat?” The good news is you can eat like a king on Keto. Bacon, Steaks, Cheese, Whipped Cream, Avocados and Hard Liquor are all completely acceptable and can be consumed in abundance.
Because our country is going through a national emergency, you could also consider donating the food to a homeless shelter or food charity however I would strongly advise against this. You may feel good about yourself for being generous, but you are just killing other people with garbage carb-heavy food. Have some compassion for your fellow man and flush the carbs down the toilet.
Step Two: The Keto Flu
Anyone who has tried the Keto diet knows of the dreaded “Keto Flu.” As your body becomes less dependent on carbs, you will experience malaise and flu-like symptoms. This is absolutely normal and nothing to worry about. After a few days the keto flu will be over and your body will be in full-on ketosis. Hell ya!
The complications occur when you are starting keto in the midst of a flu pandemic. Many people mistake their keto flu for the coronavirus. Some of the symptoms are similar: diarrhea, aches and pains, fatigue. Further complicating this phenomena is the fact that it is possible to be going through the Keto Flu AND the novel Coronavirus simultaneously.
Sound complex? Well, it is. But worry not. If your city has a coronavirus testing site in place you can go and get tested. If you have the coronavirus, don’t worry, just quarantine for 14 days and jumpstart your Keto routine. It doesn’t kill most people, although it may kill you. If the Coronavirus doesn’t kill you, a carb-heavy diet will.
Many people eat unhealthy food like cakes and pies when they are sick. Don’t do that! Start your Keto journey now. Eat plenty of sausages, cheese, whipped cream, bacon and oil. You will lose weight rapidly. Remember: obese people have compromised immune systems. The faster you lose weight, the stronger your immune system will be, and the more energy it will have to fight off the coronavirus (COVID-19).
if you test negative for the virus? Do the exact same thing! Eat plenty of
sausage, cheese, whipped cream bacon and oil!
If you go to the doctor to ask about coronavirus, ask him to test your ketone levels as well. If you are producing ketones it means your body is in ketosis and the fat is in the process of melting off!
Step Three: Get the Keto Foods
those of you unfamiliar with the Keto diet, it may be helpful to discover the
delicious staple foods that I encourage you to eat every day for every meal.
Those staples are:
you exclusively consume these items for every meal you will see remarkable
improvements. Your waistline will start to shrink and the sexy you will emerge
from the fat shell you’ve been hiding inside of.
Because the Coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic has shut down all non-essential businesses in most major cities, people worry about disruptions to the food supply chain. Depending on fresh sausage and heavy cream may be difficult. So what are some keto friendly canned foods that will last in the pantry during a pre or post apocalyptic situation?
Spam is a great tasting and widely available option. At just one carbohydrate per can, Spam is the champion of Keto canned foods bar none. In second place, I recommend Buttered Mushrooms, which are buttery and delicious.
Don’t forget that oils last a long time in the pantry, so you can drink a tall glass of oil, which is delicious, filling and totally Keto friendly. If you do go the route of drinking condiments and cooking essentials, check the nutrition on the label. Carbohydrates should read 1g or less. DO NOT EAT KETCHUP! I repeat DO NOT EAT KETCHUP! It is the silent keto killer.
People think Ketchup is Ketogenic, but it is full of nasty carbs. If you feel you cannot help it, drink a glass of hot sauce thickened with heavy cream, which has a similar consistency and red color but with 0 carbs. In my previous tome, Keto for Kids, I spoke of the intense addiction to ketchup that my little Robert had developed. Weaning him off of it was like exorcising demons from a prostitute. It’s no joke, and takes intense effort.
Step Four: Eating Wildlife and Pets
In the midst of a pandemic, expect the worst. You may run out of food and be forced to eat wildlife that is native to your habitat. In my area that would mean squirrels and pigeons. Luckily, these animals are both completely gluten free and Keto friendly!
If you have a shotgun, bow and arrow or darts it is not difficult to kill squirrels. Make sure to keep sharp knives on hand so you can skin them. Don’t throw away the carcass either, as it can be boiled to create a delicious broth for a future Keto soup!
going outside to hunt for game isn’t always an option. If the virus becomes
airborne or social unrest creates a state of martial law it is safer to stay
inside. In this case there will be very few Keto options available…except
maybe the most obvious.
Man’s best friend, the dog, can also be man’s best meal in the case of quarantine. I understand that no one wants to eat their dog, as people develop intense emotionally codependent relationships with these animals. But if the dog understood that it was giving its life so that you could live healthier (by being Keto), it would understand.
Dog meat is not only life sustaining, it is also delicious and KETO FRIENDLY! After killing your dog (I recommend contacting the SPCA for reccomendations on humane euthanasia options), grind up some dog meat with your meat grinder and with simple ingredients like Zoodles (noodles made from vegetables like zucchini), ricotta cheese and mozzarella you can make a Keto Dog Lasagna.
A lot of you are probably thinking “what will I do once I finish eating the dog? What will I eat then?” I have one word for you: Preparation! No possibility should be left unexplored. If you believe that there is a chance you will have to consume your dog at some point it’s imperative that you NOT neuter your dog and begin purchasing other dogs (of the opposite gender). Start breeding in advance of any emergency. That way you will have a whole stable of dogs to choose from.
Because these dogs won’t be going out for walks, their flesh will be fattier and primed for consumption over the typical dogs that take several walks per day and develop unappetizing muscle mass. Keep breeding. Learn how to make your dogs attracted to each other and make sure they produce many litters of pups by having sex very often. Dress your dogs in lingerie to increase their attraction to one another. Use dog-friendly perfumes which are a natural aphrodisiac that dogs cannot resist. You can make some money on the side by filming your dogs having sex, posting the footage on YouTube and watching the ad revenue pour in.
can have generations of litter interbreed and only a percentage of the dogs
will come out with genetic defects. Please note that these defects rarely
affect the flavor of the meat.
Learn the essentials of butchering and how to properly parse your dog’s corpse into its most edible components. If you don’t like the taste of organ meat, you can feed the organs to your remaining dogs to keep them healthy and well-fed without breaking the bank.
As a sidebar, we’ve all heard of the dog whose bark is worse than its bite. Well sometimes bark can be better than a bite of dog. Assuming it’s safe to go outside, stripping a tree of its bark and boiling it into a fondue with some heavy cream and other scraps you have lying around can be a delicious subsistence way to enjoy one of nature’s gifts to man…and it’s KETO FRIENDLY! Just don’t eat it with crackers, they are full of nasty carbs. You can take some wood chips or rocks from outside and use them to dip into the fondue. You can’t digest the rocks but you can use it as a kind of spoon. Don’t let anyone tell you that Keto food is hard to access! It’s right in front of you! NO EXCUSES! Being healthy, slim and fit always needs to be priority number one, global crisis or no.
Step Five: Can I eat my own fecal
One question that I get asked alot is whether or not one can eat their own fecal matter in the case of a food shortage. Predictably, the addendum to that inquiry is whether or not fecal matter is keto friendly.
This is a complex question to answer. Fecal matter is highly edible, although not particularly palatable. It is Keto Friendly if you haven’t been eating carbs. Essentially, feces is the food you have already eaten, but more smelly and disgusting looking.
The body digests the delicious parts of the foods and evacuates the nasty tasting parts out of your rectum. Therefore most people do not enjoy eating fecal matter. I am of the opinion that it’s fine to eat feces as long as you have been practicing keto for a good amount of time and there is no risk of any carb chunks being present.
Many people find it difficult to get over the very strong, foul taste of fecal matter. For this I recommend a spritz of yellow mustard, which is gluten free and keto friendly. It has a lot of vinegar in it which masks the phosphorus smell that is so unattractive in fecal matter.
Another question I am often asked is whether or not one can drink urine...or eat fecal matter that has been floating in a bath of urine (usually in the toilet or in apocalypse scenarios with no plumbing, in a bucket). The answer is an emphatic YES.
Urine is not only a refreshing and salty beverage, it is also naturally ketogenic and has a myriad of other health benefits. Scientists from around the globe have been preaching urine’s health benefits for decades, and it’s frankly a shock that the mainstream scientific community has systematically ignored this ‘superfood.’
For men, urine is great in pandemic/apocalypse scenarios if there is a cup shortage because they can aim their penis upwards and urinate directly into their own mouths.
Step Six: Develop a Workout Regimen
the case of a pandemic, epidemiologists recommend quarantining entire segments
of the population in order to ‘flatten the curve.’ In the case of coronavirus
(COVID-19), most people under the age of 70 are not at great risk of dying if
they are infected, and in fact many people are asymptomatic. Quarantining
measures are not taken to protect the lives of younger people, but rather to
slow the spread of the virus so as not to overwhelm the hospital system.
while you are quarantined at home doing society a favor by flattening the curve
make sure to flatten those abs!
There are a plethora of great workouts you can do from the comfort of your home without a pricey gym membership. Just google them. Pushups, sit-ups and jogging in place are all great options. If you are breeding dogs for food (as you should) you can lift up pups or even small full grown dogs and use them as weights if you don’t have dumbbells.
Step Seven: Build a House of Mirrors
One technique which is very effective for all dieters, not just Keto Dieters is the old House of Mirrors trick. Place mirrors in all corners of your home. Make sure there are no places where you can escape to without seeing your reflection. Confront the grotesque fat you have on your body at every second. It is unbearable to look at fat! You will be instantly motivated to make it melt away with an exclusively Ketogenic diet!
of today we don’t know what will happen with the COVID-19 pandemic. Many
outcomes are possible. The point of this text is to make you realize that no
matter what the obstacles are, it is possible to practice the keto diet, be
healthy and lose weight. Our existence on this planet is fragile to say the
least. This world is made up of infinite
possibilities, great joys and terrible tragedies. Within this context of
uncertainty and fragility you are now prepared to practice Keto and be the most
physically attractive person you can be.
listed on the front cover and title page of this book, my name is Moshe C.
Bragge, pHD. I am a clinician. My specialties are the Keto Diet, CBD and the
use of hallucinogenic mushrooms to lose weight. Used in tandem, these three
things represent the holy trinity of weight loss. For those that prefer not to
ingest psychoactive substances this Keto guide is a perfect starter for getting
shape in the midst of an emerging pandemic.
This book is dedicated to my beautiful wife Stephanie, my healthy happy and fit young son Robert and to the developers at the Apple computer company. Without the use of their iPad and iPhone products, this book very well may never have been written, as its text was composed on those devices exclusively. I’d also like to thank Wikipedia, the website which provided much of the scientific data I have used in this book. In addition, thanks to Amazon and Amazon Kindle for giving me the platform to publish my research. Finally I would like to send my earnest thanks to Dr.Jordan Peterson for his inspirational writings. Presently he is in rehab for addiction to Klonopin and I do wish him the best as his writings and research have laid the groundwork for this book.
When Moshe C. Bragge sent me the first draft of the tome you are about to imbibe I was highly skeptical to say the least. I’d never heard of Dr. Bragge, and quite honestly I felt that he was stepping on my toes. CBD research and writing has been my field for years and to have a young upstart try to make CBD their topic felt just plain wrong. I went into the reading of his manuscript with that type of jealous skepticism in mind. But after just a few pages I completely changed my tune. Dr. Bragge’s research is both groundbreaking within the field of Psychology and deeply moving in its emotional honesty and complexity. You, the reader, are in for a real treat with this book. The original manuscript that Dr. Bragge sent me was over 300 pages. I strongly encouraged him to heavily edit the book down to just a few pages of the most important information. My opinion as a medical writer and clinician is that a strong, urgent and brief piece of work will have the greatest effect on society as a whole. Enjoy The Miracles of CBD Therapy.
The Miracles of CBD Therapy
Five years ago I was the very picture of dysfunction. My life was falling apart before my eyes and everything seemed hopeless. I had lost the will to live and was on the brink of suicide. I found myself standing at a lake. I was so far gone that I had lost the ability to even feel pain and I was ready to jump. The thought of ending it all filled me with so much relaxation and comfort that I’d enter a revery just thinking about abandoning the hardships of this world. Would I be leaving behind my wife Stephanie and my little boy Robert? Yes. I love my wife and my son, but the pain was too great. Since childhood I’ve suffered from acute anxiety and depression. I’ve been to every shrink in town and been prescribed every medication in the book. I’ve also self medicated with illicit drugs and alcohol for decades. Using drugs and alcohol to solve your problems is like banging your head against a wall to get rid of a headache; it only makes things worse. My daily routine around this time looked something like this: wake up at 10am, hit my bong and take 2 Xanax and 2 Percocet. When the pills started to do their job I’d take a shot or two of Jameson and then call an Uber to work (I was a clinical psychologist at Johns Hopkins, my alma mater). I’d arrive at about noon and sit motionless staring at the screensaver on my desktop trying to escape the pain between cocaine snorting sessions in the bathroom. When lunch time came around at 1:30pm I’d go to the local pub and eat a massive platter of chicken, vegetables,and 4-5 Spiked Seltzers (I was and still am on the Keto diet). I’d return to the office at around 3:30 pm, take a nap, then leave work at 4:30pm to imbibe any drug I could get my hands. I’d go to the local bars and meet other nefarious addicts who would often wind up at my home, much to the chagrin of Stephanie. Wash, rinse, repeat every day for years on end. My cycles of addiction and depravity were more predictable than a romantic comedy. I could only console myself with the fact that I wasn’t overweight, thanks to the Keto diet.
On that fateful day five years ago, I stood at the lake ready to jump in and drown myself when suddenly I was interrupted by a gaggle of young adults at the other side of the park puffing on what appeared to be marijuana vape. I approached them with the intention of asking for a puff, thinking it mightt be nice to die with a little buzz. “Hey dude, let me get a puff of that weed” I said. “Huh?” the young boy, who couldn’t have been older than 14 responded. “This isn’t weed, this is CBD.”
“It’s not about that! It’s an effective way to treat anxiety and many other disorders.”
“Let me try that shit” I said to the boy. I rudely pulled the vapor pen out of his hands and took a puff. My life has never been the same since. All of the depression and worry instantly melted away, like a snowman on a warm winter’s day. But unlike the macabre image of a dying snowman, I was filled with a joy and a lust for life the likes of which I had never experienced. Needless to say, I did not kill myslef that fateful day. And it’s all thanks to CBD and to the little boy who shared his vape pen with me, whose name I never did get (If you’re out there, please email me at moshecbraggeMD@yahoo.com and let me know what your name is so that I can edit future editions of this book with that information.)
Read on to find out the who, what, why, where and when of using CBD to change your life!
Chapter One: Drastic Times Call for Drastic Pleasures
Before I talk about the primary subject of this book (CBD), I want to get one thing out of the way. It’s 2019 and while marijuana is becoming increasingly tolerated and easy to obtain in this country it is still the dangerous and potentially life threatening intoxicant that it has always been. In addition to triggering both visual and auditory hallucinations, marijuana can provoke rather intensive paranoia and anxiety. In other words, it’s far from the ‘recreational’ substance that it’s known to be. I’ll go on record now in stating that I strongly oppose the legalization of Marijuana in any form and feel that those who distribute it should be dealt the harshest punishments available under the law. Now, that being said, I must admit that without the efforts of those in the marijuana legalization communities, CBD may never have been legalized. And for that I must give them credit. Because of their tireless efforts, CBD is available for purchase at every gas station, Pharmacy and corner store across this great land (america). But I want to go on record that this book in no way endorses or intends to glamorize the use of marijuana, which is in my opinion one of the most nefarious illicit drugs on the market. There’s a reason why it has been illegal for so many decades and I hope to god that that does not change. I am an MD, and my professional medical opinion is that marijuana is NOT good.
CBD, on the other hand, is a risk-free and holistic substance that I’ve seen used to better the lives of many people. So what is the difference between marijuana and CBD?
According to www.healthline.com, “Both CBD and THC have the exact same molecular structure: 21 carbon atoms, 30 hydrogen atoms, and 2 oxygen atoms. A slight difference in how the atoms are arranged accounts for the differing effects on your body.”
In layman’s terms, this means that scientists have taken the atoms, which are very tiny balls that can be arranged to make things, and rearranged them to change the marijuana from a bad illicit substance into a good legal one (CBD). When my colleagues in the medical community initially told me about the CBD, I was highly skeptical. My medical opinion was that I did not think that the atoms could be moved around in such a way, but I was wrong. As it turns out, CBD is truly a miracle cure for all that ails me (and others).
Experiencing the depths of despair and drug addiction and reaching rock bottom are what helped guide me to the CBD, via the nameless boy mentioned in the book’s preface. But the moment I took my first hit of CBD things changed. I had focus. I had energy. The anxiety I had experienced for so many years was gone. It was like I had been living my life in a cave and CBD was the proverbial ‘light at the end of the tunnel.’
I am a medical professional, which is a stressful job to say the least. The stress of being a Dr. can weigh on a person, but knowing that there is a fat blunt of CBD waiting for me to smoke when I get home helps me get through the day. I like to think about how the CBD smoke will taste on my lips as I smoke it on the couch while little Robert plays video games and Stephanie does the dishes. I also stop at the local vape shop on the way to work each day to get a 35ml bottle of CBD tincture, which I drink throughout the day. If that is not sufficient, I may supplement it with a package of CBD gummies and/or a puff of my CBD pen. This helps regulate my anxiety and stress so that I can do a better job throughout the work day and be the best doctor I can be.
Chapter Two: What Can CBD do for you?
CBD is most immediately recognized as being an effective treatment for psychological disorders like anxiety and depression. And it most certainly is that. You’re probably asking yourself “can i just puff the CBD vape like Dr. Bragge did and get rid of the problems I have?”
The answer is complex. Yes, smoking CBD will instantly relieve most of your problems and irrational worries. But it will not make everything go away magically. Our neuroses stem from deep seated issues that are difficult to untangle. Dr Sigmund Freud realized that many of the problems we have are the ones from childhood, and it’s hard to go back in time to erase those problems from our past. We are humans; very intelligent and complex animals (much like dogs, who also use CBD–more on that later). In order to unravel the complex web of emotions, CBD treatment is recommended to be supplemented with intensive psychotherapy. For example, if you get ahold of some powerful CBD you will feel good. But if you combine CBD with therapy, you will feel great, and be able to get rid of many of the problems you have. You could also use a powerful psychological tool like EST (Electro Shock Therapy) in combination with CBD to get a very large amount of therapy at once!
Many people cannot afford therapy, as it is quite expensive. In this case, I recommend purchasing Dr. Jordan Peterson’s book 12 Rules of Life. This was the psychology book that inspired me to go to med school and get my doctorate in psychology. Dr. Peterson’s book is a guide for how to be a good person and do things the right way. Supplemented with CBD, it is a pipe bomb of explosive rationality and functionality. 12 Rules in Life is “The book is divided into chapters with each title representing a specific rule for life explained in an essay” according to Wikipedia. The chapters are all good and deal with a different rules of life. I have devised the ultimate plan for reading Dr. Peterson’s book, combining each chapter (or rule) with a different CBD product.
Stand up straight with your shoulders back (MediHaze)
Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping (Ringo’s Gift)
Make friends with people who want the best for you (Charlotte’s Web)
Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today (Remedy)
Do not let your children do anything that makes you dislike them Dancehall
Set your house in perfect order before you criticize the world ACDC
Pursue what is meaningful (not what is expedient) Harlequin
Tell the truth – or, at least, don’t lie Sweet and Sour Widow
Assume that the person you are listening to might know something you don’t Stephen Hawking Kush
Be precise in your speech Cannatonic
Do not bother children when they are skateboarding Sour Tsunami
Pet a cat when you encounter one on the street Pennywise
Pairing these CBD strains with each respective chapter of Dr. Peterson’s masterpiece guarantees a sound mind and will be far cheaper than years of pricey clinical psychotherapy. I recommend mixing up your method of consumption as well. Like, for Rule 1 use a tincture, but for Rule 2 smoke a CBD blunt and for Rule 3 use a vape. You can mix and match however you like. Everyone must find their own path for discovering inner peace. It’s not supposed to be easy–but with CBD it’s a heck of a lot easier than it was before.
CBD for Pets
It’s all the rage these days–pet stores that specialize in CBD treats to calm ‘man’s best friend’–the dog. I personally have mixed feelings about the ethics and efficacy of feeding CBD to animals. Because I use CBD, feeding my animal the same substance disrupts the inherent hierarchical relationship a dog must necessarily have with its master. The dog will begin to think he is as good or better than the human which can lead to dog attacks and bites when they realize they cannot speak or stand on their hind legs like a human can.
This chart shows a very clear trend that dog attacks and bites are on the rise. These numbers were far lower years ago, and it is no coincidence that the rise in dog bites corresponds precisely with the trend of feeding CBD to pets, especially dogs. If dog is really “man’s best friend” as common parlance would have us believe, why would they be attacking us at such startling rates? The answer is that they WERE our best friends, until we began force feeding them CBD and rapidly dissolving the structure that humans have been developing with dogs for over 500 years.
That said, some animals do well with CBD, and in that case I encourage you to feed it to them.
CBD and Diet
Being healthy and happy is what we all want out of our lives. CBD can help us get there, but we will never be happy if we are fat. Being fat is one of the leading causes of unhappiness among people these days. BMI numbers are through the roof and obesity is an epidemic. We try to treat ourselves using CBD therapy, which is very effective. However, the presence of the notorious “CBD munchies” doesn’t help much in keeping us slim and trim.
In order to stay fit, trim and attractive, my family and I have been practicing the Keto diet for many years with wonderful results. Dr. Jordan Peterson has taken the Keto one step further and consumes only beef and water and this has cured him of various cancers. He is also very healthy and good looking. Even though Dr. Peterson only eats beef, people respect his medical and philosophical opinions. THe big question is: does he use CBD products?
It is not common for others in the medical establishment to encourage an alternative diet such as the Keto, but my professional medical opinion is that the Keto is the natural way humans were supposed to live. In our primitive past we did not have access to processed sugars and bags of enriched flour, but rather we would eat the animals we could find and kill. We ate the animals without any seasonings (like Jordan Peterson does).
Jordan Peterson is naturally accustomed to using fewer seasonings and eating less flavorful food, as he is from Canada. The animals our primitive ancestors would hunt included deer and fishes, or in the case of arctic natives, seals and walrus. These dead animals are naturally keto because they do not contain the carbs which make us fat.
I have written extensively about the Keto diet in my previous publication Keto for Kids, which is available for purchase on Amazon.com as a Kindle Book. It will help you to avoid the pitfalls that many parents (who are bad) fall into, in letting their child become a fat pig. Slim, healthy and attractive children are one of the finest things in life. When they become fat and grotesque it is unsightly, unhealthy and flat out disgusting.
The CBD munchies are a real problem, but as long as you munch on Keto friendly snacks like beef liver, beef heart, ground beef or fish, it will not interrupt the Ketosis happening in your body.
CBD and Sexuality
Many people these days are interested in having sexual experiences and engaging in sexual activities, such as coitus. In fact, according to Doctors, Having an active and healthy sex life is critical in maintaing a balanced and good life. How can CBD effect your sex life?
The fact of the matter is, sex on CBD is one of the most profoundly beautiful things I’ve ever experienced. When I make love to my wife Stephanie, I always take 10 puffs of the CBD vape before, during and after. Unfortunately Stephanie does not partake of the CBD and is therefore deeply unhappy and does not enjoy the sexual experiences as much as I do. I have encouraged her time and again to use the CBD regularly. She always claims that it “doesn’t do anything.” My medical diagnosis is that it DOES do something. I am a doctor, and she is not, therefore I know that it works.
Because I use CBD to regulate my anxiety and depression, I am a well balanced person and am able to have a functional relationship with Stephanie even though she is deeply sad and miserable to be around. When things get really bad, I supplement my CBD intake with several shots of Vodka (which is naturally ketogenic). I do not wish to drink alcohol, but Stephanie’s fragile emotional state forces me to. For the love of God, I wish that she would start taking CBD to become a happier and better person. This would make both of our lives (and the life of our young Robert) so much better.
CBD and Crime
Because CBD is a legal substance, it is not against the law to carry or sell it, which is one of many reasons why it is very different from marijuana.
This chart shows that compared to the times when weed was popular (1996) the violent crimes were very high, but now that CBD is popular, the crimes are just getting less and less.
This is great for various reasons, but for me as a medical doctor, it makes my life easier. Because there are fewer violently wounded people coming into my doctor’s office, I can take more time to relax. It is my medical opinion that the decrease in crime rate is correlated precisely with the preponderance of CBD. I look forward to a future where CBD is administered to all people every day. It is not until we implement such policies that crime will be eradicated all together.
Our society is a very crime infested place. Many people are scared to even leave their homes for fear of being brutally murdered or killed. The criminals out there are the people who are not using CBD. In fact, criminals often use illegal drugs like marijuana. By using illegal drugs, you are breaking the law, and therefore a criminal to begin with. Get the picture?
CBD is legal, so there is nothing wrong with using it, and if you are doing so it does not mean you are a criminal.
CBD and Religious Experience
Throughout human history people have been using psychoactive chemicals such as LSD, mushrooms, peyote and yage to achieve transcendent spiritual experiences. This has been done through self medication, or guided with a guru or shaman. These hallucinogenic chemicals can lead to profound religious experiences that are otherwise only attainable through prolonged meditation sessions. Religion and ritual are a timeless aspect of human existence and are key to navigating man’s relation to nature and the beyond. The drugs that people typically use to experience revelatory psychedelic trips are highly illegal, and for good reason. They are dangerous and can lead to schizophrenia in those who are predisposed. CBD is not a psychoactive chemical, so it would not be useful for those attempting have a transcendent religious experience.
Faster than a Bird, Faster than a Plane: How to Boost Self Confidence and Feel Like Superman Using CBD
One of the top worst problems facing American’s today is low self-esteem. As a doctor, I see patient after patient utterly crippled by debilitating lack of confidence. One of my favorite analogies is Superman. He’s a very great and confident hero who is strong and has the ability to fly. The only thing that makes him not as good is a green substance called Kryptonite. So CBD is much like kryptonite, in that it is exactly its opposite. Instead of making you not as good, it makes you better…and can even make you as good as SuperMan.
I am just a Dr. I’m not a wizard or a saint. But I feel like a mythical strongman when I use CBD. I am Superman when i drip those 4 drops of oil under my tongue and wait for the anxiety to fade and the power to expand.
There is so much sadness in America today, and suicide rates are at an all time high. Why the suicide hotlines aren’t mandated to send a complimentary bottle of CBD tincture to anyone who calls in is beyond me. Parents: if your children are suicidal I urge you to dose their beverages with CBD and just watch the difference it makes.
When my little Robert was born he would wake us up at all hours of the night needing to be fed just so he could go back to sleep. Stephanie and I were not getting good sleep and could barely function. We started giving Robert 4-5 drops of CBD every time he’d wake up, and it really did the trick in having him chill out and stop crying.
Not all heroes wear capes. But in this case, I did feel like Super Man even though I didn’t have a cape on.
Break Up to Make Up: CBD Marriage Counseling
I am happily married to my wife Stephanie and I love her to death. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her. She’s beautiful, intelligent and understands who I am deep down inside. It can be difficult for those of us in the medical profession to be honest and open about our feelings. We are inundated by our workload and taught that life is a process dictated by biologies which we are still learning to understand. Feelings don’t enter the equation. With Stephanie, I am able to open up and be honest about my feelings. In other words, I can be me!
BUt things weren’t always so easy. We have been through many vicious fights and ups and downs. Stephanie can be a very difficult person. She does not like to admit her mistakes, and when rules are established it goes without saying that she will break them.
As a medical doctor, my diagnosis is that Stephanie is a deeply maligned and troubled person. She’s lucky to have a tolerant, forgiving and financially stable partner like myself.
At some point about 5 years ago it seemed like divorce was inevitable for us. I was at the height of my addiction to drugs and alcohol. Stephanie was not supportive of me at all. She kept threatening to leave me and telling me to get a job. THese negative threats hurt my already fragile ego even more and forced me down a deeper rabbit hole of depravity. When I took $600 from her purse to fund a 2 night cocaine binge with a female friend, she screamed and cried for almost an hour. She forgave me shortly thereafter, but the histrionic reaction she had made me realize that she was not well. I took it upon myself to get clean so that I could responsibly handle my unstable wife and her various issues. How could I expect to care for another person if I could not adequately care for myself?
When CBD entered the picture and I got clean, things changed. My marriage to Stephanie is much better now. She doesn’t scream and cry as much. We have learned to give each other distance and space. For example, if our baby Robert is crying and screaming and Stephanie is getting stressed out about it, I will leave the house and go to the vape shop to try some new CBD strains, or maybe even go catch a movie or concert. No point in being around the stress and negativity, as those are signs that Stephanie needs time to herself to tend to the baby.
I couldn’t have come to this realization through traditional science or medicine. I needed to use CBD to find these answers for myself.
In conclusion, CBD has helped me become the person I am today. In addition to reading Dr. Jordan Peterson’s books and listening to his podcast, CBD has shaped my positive and productive outlook on life. The words I have written in this tome are not to be taken lightly and should be read and re-read. For that reason, following this page, the content of the book repeats itself 5 times. It is recommended that readers read this book AT LEAST 5 times (if not more) in order to absorb its full message.
It is my medical opinion as a Dr. that many people will benefit from the effects of this book and of CBD. Congratulations on reading this book and bettering yourself.
An Essay on Lifestyle and Mental Health by Dr. Moshe C. Bragge, PhD
Life is profoundly confusing, stressful, painful. To find a reason to stay alive in a world which is so cruel, callous, chaotic and random can be difficult to say the least. Suicide is the only logical choice for the sane and rational among us. But in spite of all that, we fight with every ounce of strength we have to stay alive. But does life HAVE to be SO difficult, SO challenging?
I cherish every opportunity I get to fly in an airplane because it means I’ll get to spend some time in an airport.
Moshe C. Bragge
As you probably guessed by the title of this essay, I love airports. If I ever have a ticket to fly, I like to arrive 4-6 hours before my flight just to basque in the well-lit glow of the airport’s terminals. I like to savor the experience of being in an airport because it’s so distant from the cruelty of our daily lives. It’s a place where people are kind to one another. A place where there is order, structure. There are no food shortages in the airport, and you don’t run the risk of soiling your clothing as there’s always a bathroom right around the corner. People in airports are able to relax at the comfy seats in the terminal waiting areas. Instead of the existential dread of uncertainty that daily life confronts us with, airports provide us with helpful screens that let us know our flight status. And if that level of comfort was not enough, there are kind employees that work for the airlines stationed at each terminal.
Airports are controlled environments where stress is virtually nonexistent.
Moshe C. Bragge, PhD
Crimes don’t happen in airports and when they do happen the criminals are dealt with swiftly. Let’s not forget the diverse array of foods that are available for purchase. Anything you’d ever want to eat is available at airports for a reasonable price. All of my favorite fast food chains are represented in the airports of today; from Burger King to McDonalds all the way to Dunkin Donuts and beyond.
(Speaking of Beyond, I highly recommend the Dunkin Donuts Beyond Sausage Breakfast Melt if you’re in the mood for a healthy and meat-free treat).
Moshe C. Bragge, PhD
Not to mention that many of today’s airports have great shopping opportunities available. At the Philadelphia International Airport there’s a Gap for clothing purchases. If you’re flying to a funeral or wedding you can buy the formal attire of your choosing without a problem right in the airport without having to think about packing a pesky suitcase.
Are you a bookworm? Literally every airport is armed with a bookstore. Find a great tome that’s just right for you and snuggle up with it during or before your flight. For those of you who like to relax with an adult beverage (alcohol), all airports have wonderful bars that carry great liquors and beers. I don’t drink, but I often like to sit in the airport bars just to watch others drink. It always strikes me that the travelers in airports are far less rowdy than the riff raff that hang out in bars in the ‘real world.’ They seem contented, mild mannered, controlled.
Life is a journey, not a destination.
Moshe. C. Bragge, PhD
Why can’t we do something to make the real world as structured, safe and pleasant as an airport? Why can’t every bathroom be as clean as an airport bathroom? What is preventing us from experiencing this utopia of structure and functionally? Airports dangle the forbidden fruit before our eyes. “Look,” the airport says, “the happiness you’ve always dreamed of DOES exist.” But why only in the few hours of waiting for domestic or international flights do we get to experience euphoria? Why do train stations still reek of urine, while airports are spiffy and clean as a whistle? If a bus stop could be even 1/20th of what any airport is, I’d ride the bus every day.
The fact is that we have to do our darndest to bring structure and order to our lives in order to make our daily experience more comparable to living inside an airport. This means cleaning your bathroom constantly, petitioning for fast food chains to open up in your neighborhood, eradicating problematic friendships from your life and having an ever present will to go on a great adventure. When I speak of adventure, I don’t refer to a flight to Ft. Lauderdale, FL or Dallas, TX. No, I refer to the adventure of life. Life is a journey, not a destination. So take a cue from your local airport and do your damndest to make your journey more comfortable.
So, you want to sound like the Red Hot Chilli Peppers on a budget? Not so easy to do. Not only is their music very difficult to play, the gear John Frusciante and other people in the band use is very expensive to purchase! Even when John Frusiciante wasn’t in the band and the Josh guitarist took his place his gear was very expensive. This can be very disappointing for the up and coming funk-rock player.
Luckily, with this guide, you can learn how to achieve the funk-rock sound of the RHCP band without all the hassle of purchasing an extremely expensive gear rig.
Get a guitar
On RHCP songs such as “Califronication” and “Give it Away” John achieves great tone through the use of his expensive gear such as a Fender Stratocaster and a Vox AC30 amplifier. These items are way too pricey for the guitarist on a budget to afford. Cumulatively these items could cost as much as $600, which is too much money for the guitarist on a budget. Luckily all guitars sound the same. The difference is just in the look of it. So why not go for something a little more affordable?
Let’s face it, rock music is a loud genre. So you’ll need an amp to get loud with, just like John Frusciante would do. But the prices of amps these days will force you to live “Under the Bridge” for months because you will not be able to make your rent payments if you purchase one. Luckily there are some great affordable models available on the market today.
I can’t say enough good things about this ZoWeeTek Headphone Amp. It is nice way to hear the excellent rock sounds your guitar is making without waking up parents, neighbors and lovers. At the very cheap price of $29, it costs alot less than the John Frusciante amps, but it doesn’t disappoint. In fact, for the price point it is far superior to the overpriced, heavy and loud rigs that John uses.
Red Hot Chilli Pedals
Mr. Frusciante along with Josh, the other guy, use a plethora of extremely cool pedals to achieve the sound that they worked for. This includes Digitech Whammys, Electro Harmonix MicroSynthesizers and many other cool pedals. In fact, if you watch the Rig Rundown video of Josh, he has so many that they are on multiple boards and a British man was hired to go on tour just to manage all the pedals.
While it’s undoubtedly very cool to have such a big pedalboard with so many pedals, it’s impossible to afford for the funk rock guitarist on a budget. In order to make enough money to afford those pedals, you need to already be a famous rock star. But how do you get famous as a rock star without the pedals? Up to now this has been the Catch-22 of budding guitar heroes.
We have talked about the ammoon PockRock ad nauseum on this site. Well, sorry to sound like a broken record, but this is the be all and end all of multi-effect pedals. Featuring 5 effect modules, this unit has everything you need to sound like both John Frusciante and Josh. And at $35, it is way cheaper than spending the hundreds of dollars on pedals that John Frusicante does.
Know Your Role
Flea, who plays bass with the Chilli Peppers, is in very good shape even though he is old. He often shows his bare chest and exposes that he has been working out. His cool rock guy tattoos shine nicely on his muscular frame. The same goes for the singer guy, Anthony. John Frusciante (and Josh) probably also work out. They are more thin in build, which is a very sexy look for some people. You’re not going to emulate the Chilli Peppers by being fat or normal. You need to have big muscles or be very skinny. But who has the time or money for a gym membership?
Another great way to lose weight is through the Keto Diet. There are a plethora of great books on how to lose weight fast using this revolutionary fat-based diet that encourages exclusive consumption of bacon, whipped cream and butter. My favorite is Keto for Kids by Dr. Moshe C. Bragge.
It is well known that the Chilli Peppers dabbled in Heroin, a very dangerous substance. It won’t be easy to emulate the Chilli Peppers without an intoxicant, but who wants the hassle of buying illegal heroin and fostering an expensive and unhealthy addiction? That’s why I reccomend CBD Gummies, which can be purchased on Amazon.com! Chew on these neat Gummies before practice, during a gig, or any time you’re just rocking out to become a truly intoxicated Chilli Pepper!
So you want to sound like indie rocker Weyes Blood? Achieving her rock sound is no easy feat, as her sounds are very hard to achieve. The core of her rock music tones involves very expensive music gear, such as big pianos, expensive guitars and other very costly items. Sounding like Weyes Blood is not possible for the musician on a budget, however with this guide it is now completely possible!
Acquire a Guitar
Weyes Blood makes her rock music often using a piano. While this may seem like an strange instrument to use for a rock musician, it is actually a very common instrument for many rockers such as Elton John. Don’t forget, her music sounds like it’s old, but it is actually newly made (within the last 5 years). But sometimes she also plays a guitar such as in this video of her performing her one song Andromeda:
So in order to sound like her, you should purchase a guitar. In this video she’s using a very expensive old brown wooden guitar. This item would be too expensive for the guitarist on a budget. Luckily all guitars sound the same and the main difference is in the way they look .
The Mugig Red guitar even includes a pitch pipe! This is a essential item. Weyes Blood has a very beautiful voice which always stays in tune with the song she is playing. A pitch pipe is necessary to keep your Mugig guitar in tune so the singing won’t get bad. Simply blow on the pipe and find the note that should be there, and then change it on the guitar to be that note.
Why not try out the Electro-Harmonix Mel9? It makes the guitar sound like an old keyboard from the 70s. Because WEyes Blood makes old 70s sounding music, it is the perfect tool for achieving Weyes Blood style of music without breaking the bank.
Many people have noticed that Weyes Blood, Natalie, has a good voice. While this is a god given talent for her, it is possible to train yourself to also have a good voice. Just get this book, “Sing Like a Star” by Diane Hall. It is available only on Amazon Kindle, so get a Kindle if you want to read it.
The book is great because it contains all the tips on how to sound like Weyes Blood by making your voice good. It is also a Best Seller, so that shows how good the book is.
It is not easy to sound like Weyes Blood, but with this guide, it just got a whole lot easier.
It goes without saying that as parents we love our children unconditionally. When my Robert was born it was the happiest day of my life. I didn’t know that degrees of ecstasy like this could exist. Robert was a beautiful healthy baby who emerged from his mother’s body weighing a completely standard 6 pounds. My wife Stephanie and I couldn’t believe the immensely beautiful creature we had brought into the world.
Robert at birth, healthy weight
We were overjoyed and overwhelmed with warm feelings of love…that is until Robert hit the dreaded ‘terrible twos.’ For us, the terrible twos weren’t terrible because of misbehavior, tantrums or crying. They were terrible because our Robert was beginning to get chubby and lose that slim, healthy façade we had grown to love so much. While my love for Robert was not diminished, I have to admit I was disappointed in the idea of having a fat child. You see, I have always been very slim and fit so I had no idea how to deal with problems related to being overweight or obese. It was around this time that I began researching dieting methods. I was completely unfamiliar with all of the phoney, false and outright wrong dieting techniques that are advertised regularly. And I was shocked and outraged to say the least.
Robert at 2,still cute but morbidly obese
It was my complete naivety that allowed me to adequately develop the system that you are going to learn about. The Keto diet is the latest craze in weight loss, but up until now it has been exclusively recommended for adults (currently the medical establishment only recommends a Keto diet for children who suffer from epilepsy…more on that later). So, what is the Keto Diet? Will my child lose weight on this diet? Won’t my child have to suffer and sacrifice eating the foods they love? Read on to find out all this and more! It could be the life-saving tool that you need to keep your child skinny forever! Obesity is an epidemic that threatens ruin the very fabric of our society. Do what you can to prevent it from infecting those that you love the most.
Much like the infamous Atkins diet, the Keto diet is a low-carb, high-fat diet. By cutting out carbs you force your body into a state of Ketosis. While in the ketogenic state, your body will begin to use fats as fuels. It is great for losing weight rapidly without sacrificing many of the delicious flavors you know and love. One study found that people on a ketogenic diet lost 2.2 times more weight than those on a calorie-restricted low-fat diet.
One of the complexities of the Keto diet is knowing exactly which food items have carbohydrates and which do not. All meats are low in carbs, as is heavy cream, cheese, avocados. But foods such as breads, nachos and sugars must be avoided at all costs. Even most fruits which we know and love are not to be eaten on the Ketogenic diet. Many vegetables are also restricted. A quick google search will tell you all you need to know about which foods you can eat…and which you can’t.
So that’s Keto in a nutshell. But how can we design a Keto meal plan for kids that works? Read on to find out.
Keto for Newborns
It is important to start your kids on Keto at a very, very early age…namely, the moment they are born. It would be a shame if you made the same mistake that Stephanie and I made with our Robert. One common misconception parents have is that breast milk is good for the child. This couldn’t be further from the truth. One cup of breast milk has 17 grams of carbohydrates, which is more carbs than are recommended for an ADULT on the Keto diet. Don’t bother yourself with the hassle and utter embarrassment of breastfeeding your baby high-carb liquid poison. As a great, keto-friendly alternative feed your baby heavy cream. It is available at any grocery store, it tastes great and is extremely low in carbs. Mainstream medical establishment doctors recommend feeding newborns breast milk exclusively for their first six months. This is an acceptable length of time to feed your child heavy cream exclusively. Once the child reaches 6 months and starts eating solids you can make quick and easy Keto friendly baby foods by mashing together common Keto ingredients into delicious pastes… use your imagination to create combinations. The babies are too young to communicate their preferences verbally, so really it could be anything…avocado, bacon, cream, cheese, asparagus, pork. It’s up to you. They will not be able to protest the way older children do.
Keto for Toddlers
As your little ones begin to grow they will develop their own taste in foods and drink. You will begin to learn which foods they love and which they don’t care for. There are a few common misconceptions that parents raising their kids have about exactly which items are Keto friendly. Don’t get caught in the trap! Kids seem to universally love a very specific condiment which is a Keto Dieter’s nightmare: Ketchup. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT under any circumstances feed your child ketchup. One tablespoon of Heinz ketchup has 5 grams of carbohydrates, which is far more than a Keto Baby should have in one day. Once they have the taste of ketchup on their impressionable lips, they will want it again and again. When they learn to talk they will complain incessantly about wanting ketchup. It’s enough to drive any sane person mad.
Our Robert spent his first few years eating Ketchup. When we transitioned him to a more Keto Friendly condiment (hot sauce), he cried nonstop for weeks. It was not only loud and annoying but also extremely pathetic. It was a sad sight to see. I blame myself for feeding him ketchup during his developmental years. With the help of a therapist and extremely frequent isolation time-outs we were able to teach Robert that Ketchup would no longer be a part of his diet.
So how can you avoid these complicated fixes? To start off, never give your childketchup. Toddlers will love a fresh and warm hot dog served with no bun and doused in mustard. If they want a red condiment, hot sauce is a great option. Robert loves his bun-less hot dogs with a bit of mustard and hot sauce.
The Most Toxic Poison
Children are known to love one of the most toxic poisons known to man. It transforms little ones from angelic innocents into obese and cherubic ne’er-do-wells. What is this poison? SUGAR!
Sugar is extremely high in carbohydrates, yet many of the foods children love are chock full of sugar. Clearly the manufacturers of these foods did not have a keto diet in mind, and did not care about the health and physical appearance of all the poor children who now have to suffer with obese and grotesque figures.
Practically every treat that kids love contains loads of sugar; sodas, popsicles, lollipops, candy bars, ice cream are just a few of them. So how can we keep our kids from eating these poisons that will undoubtedly make them fat and unappealing in adult life?
If you bake your child a keto birthday cake (remember, no wheat), make sure to use erythitrol instead of sugar. It is a type of sugar alcohol, which tastes 80% as sweet as sugar but does not metabolize carbs.
Avoiding sugar is the first line of defense in any child keto diet. The following pages are some great Keto meal plans.
Delectable Keto Snacks
One of the great pleasures of childhood is enjoying a good snack. But the sad truth is that most snacks are not Keto friendly.
Here are some simple, easy and delicious Keto-friendly snacks that your kid could will go nuts for:
-String Cheese: All kids love a good stick of string cheese. The great news? It’s naturally keto friendly!
–Meat Sticks: Meat sticks are delicious and available almost everywhere. Slim Jims are a yummy spiced meat blend which kids will not complain about!
-(No Cookies) Cup of Cream: Traditional wisdom says kids love milk and cookies. It goes without saying that cookies are out of the question because of the wheat and sugar, and milk is high in carbs. Why not go for a glass of heavy cream? It is rich, delicious and has a sweet aftertaste that kids will almost certainly prefer to cookies. Stir in some coconut milk and a hint of vanilla extract and BAM, your kids are instantaneously transported to an exotic island of flavors!
-Pork Rinds: It may come as a surprise, but pork rinds are 100% keto-friendly, kid-tested and mother approved.
-Deli Meats: Another great snack is ¼ pound of cold cuts. Almost any variety is perfectly keto friendly so it is up to the taste buds and discretion of the child.
–Diet Coke pops: Kids love popsicles, but they are always full of high-carb sugar. Why not make your own popsicles at home with Diet Coke? Simply fill an ice cube tray with Diet Coke, freeze, and give the frozen cubes to your kids. Robert especially loves these cubes on a hot summer day.
-(Better than Ice) Cream Cheese Sandwich: Cream Cheese is 100% keto and 200% delicious. It’s also solid when cold, but melty and viscous when exposed to heat, much like ice cream. Stick a smidge of cream cheese between two Keto Friendly Fat Based Snack Bars (available for purchase on Amazon). It’s just as good, if not better, than any ice cream sandwich.
SNACKS TO AVOID
It’s sad to say, but many of the foods we were told had great nutritional value are in fact a Ketogenic Nightmare. Do not, under any circumstances give your kids any of the following:
If you want to keep your child slim and trim, the following lunches will have them watering at the mouth while maintaining their ketosis:
-(Not Quite) PB&J- What child doesn’t love the perennial classic peanut butter and jelly? It’s simple, easy and delicious! The only problem? The bread and jelly are chock full of pesky carbohydrates, which will quickly kick your child out of ketosis and make them fat and undesirable. The good news is that organic peanut butter is actually quite keto friendly, with just 2g of net carbs per tablespoon. The PB is undoubtedly the most delicious part of a PB&J sandwich, so why not have it by itself? Simply scoop several tablespoons of organic peanut butter into a bowl and feed it to your child with a spoon.
–(Not Quite Macaroni)and Cheese-Kraft Mac and Cheese has been a staple of children’s cuisine for decades. It tastes great at any time of day–and is actually quite ok on the keto diet…if you subtract the macaroni. The powdered orange cheese and the added cream alone are fine–and the only components with flavor. Simply discard the flavorless macaroni from the box and prepare the orange powder and milk. Serve in a bowl with a spoon.
–Fish Sticks– Fish is a nutritious and delicious sea-meat. And kids love eating fish sticks. The only problem is that the breading on the sticks is very high in carbs. We recommend preparing your own homemade fish sticks. Grab a slab of cod and cut it into sticks. If sushi grade, serve raw. Otherwise, microwave for seven minutes. Serve with a Keto condiment like mustard, hot sauce, or mayonnaise.
Intermittent Fasting and Kids
Intermittent fasting is a very powerful weight loss tool which is also typically reserved for adults. But it is also effective for kids. While many approaches exist, the simplest is the so-called 16:8 approach. 16 hours of fasting per day, and an 8 hour window in which one should eat. Combined with the Keto diet, it’s an unstoppable weight los tool. In our case, we don’t allow Robert to eat dinner. A keto breakfast of heavy cream and a slice of cheese is served at 5am, and exactly 8 hours later at 1pm he has a bunless hot dog or a (Not Quite) PB&J, which is basically a bowl of peanut butter.
Stephanie, myself and Robert (in this pic he looks a bit fat, but he’s lost more weight since then)
Robert has managed to keep the weight off. He is now 10 years old and weighs 50 pounds. He looks great and feels even better. He is filled with the energy and vivacity that only a child could have, but without all of the toxic garbage that most kids eat corrupting his body. The intermittent fasting, ketogenic diet, and caloric restriction (800 calories per day) have made him into the intelligent, attractive and healthy child that he was born to be.
Don’t be A Fool; only homeschool
Is it any coincidence that our orphanages are filled to the brim? Many parents cannot deal with the embarrassment of having a fat child and other than murdering their child, adoption is the only reasonable option for getting rid of it.
Some parents (many of whom are themselves fat) send their fat kids into the school system to expose their bad habits to in-shape kids. It is of the utmost importance to exclusively homeschool your child so that they are not exposed to sugar, ice cream, soda, bread, crackers or any of the other carb-rich foods that fat children are undoubtedly carrying to school in their lunch boxes.
Homeschooling has many advantages. The curriculum you design for your child will prevent them from learning many of the farcical ‘truths’ that are presented as orthodoxy in most schools. For example, in a recent poll, 96% of Pennsylvania school teachers said that they believe vaccines do not cause autism. Of course, people are entitled to their own opinions, but when they are teaching our children we do not want these (frankly wrong) opinions to be exposed to our kids.
It goes without saying that most school do not provide satisfying Keto options in the cafeteria.
When you homeschool your child, you will also have far more control of the isolation time-outs which are so important in shaping their behaviors.
Isolation Time Outs
I cannot stress the importance of isolation time outs enough. Of course, they teach the child to do as they are told, but they serve another function which is perhaps more important. It is necessary for the child to get used to being alone. Our Robert looks out the window sometimes and sees the other children in our neighborhood playing with each other. He used to complain, until we put him in isolation time outs when he did. He didn’t understand it then, but if he is around other kids, who are almost certainly not practicing a keto diet, he will be tempted and perhaps pressured into eating carbohydrates which could make him fat.
Child in properly positioned isolation time out
The truth is, we want to be in complete control of our kids for their entire lives. Society, for good reason, doesn’t allow this. But it’s important to exercise your power and control over the child while you can in order to instill good habits in them. I’ve known too many parents, even some who practiced Keto, that allowed their children to mingle with non-keto kids. Can you guess what happened next? Sugar addiction, weight gain and nonstop crying were just the beginning for these poor parents. I can’t imagine how many isolation time outs they had to put their child in before he calmed down. When you let your child be around other kids who tempt them with carbs, they exit Ketosis. Getting them back into ketosis will then create the dreaded “keto flu.” Your child will suffer from headaches, anxiety, diarrhea and sleep deprivation as they transition back into ketosis. Is it really worth all of that just to allow the child to mingle with other children?
Pro Tip: A healthy regiment of isolation time outs must always be carried out in a space that is fit for sensory deprivation. Don’t send your child to a room with toys, windows, etc.
How to Deal with Kids
Dealing with the stress of child-rearing often requires external stimulus. There’s nothing more rewarding than being a parent, but it’s also the hardest job in the world. Sometimes it’s important to treat yourself to a tall drink to deal with all the stress little Robert has caused. It should be noted that many alcoholic drinks are extremely high in carbohydrates. Any beer and wine should be avoided at all costs. Many love the sweet taste of pina coladas and margaritas, but these are simply not Keto-Friendly. The great news is that all hard liquors lose their carbohydrate content in the distillation process. So if you want to have a shot of bourbon, rye, tequila or vodka while your child is in a lengthy isolation time out, it’s absolutely ok to do so! Just be aware that most juices and mixers that are standard ingredients in the cocktails we love will not work. Do be warned that alcohol should only be consumed in moderation. It has lots of calories and can be habit forming.
(Not So Twisted) Tea-Twisted Tea used to be one of my favorite drinks before I went Keto. Now I know the dark truth..one 12 oz serving has 31g of carbohydrates. That’s a definite NO from me. Instead purchase some unsweetened tea and pour in a jigger of vodka.
High Ball– The High Ball is naturally Keto Friendly and tastes great! Just combine some seltzer water and your favorite bourbon. Spritz in some bitters to give it even more kick!
MoKeto– Who doesn’t love a mojito? Folks practicing keto don’t! because it’s loaded with sugar and carbs. Instead try my proprietary MoKeto. A jigger of rum, ice, lemon-lime seltzer water and a stick of sugar free mint gum crushed together in a blender is just as good as a traditional mojito but completely keto friendly.
The wisdom offered in this book is unfortunately rather controversial. Mainstream medicine rejects the notion that children should be starved of carbohydrates. But we must keep in mind that the Keto diet was in fact created for children with epilepsy! The sad truth is that while we can shield our child from the outside world through homeschooling and social isolation, they are bound to interact with friends and family at times. If they let these people know that they are being fed Keto only, it may be considered controversial. It is not, however, controversial to tell people that your child suffers from epilepsy. No one will question it. If you find yourself being criticized for forcing your child into the Keto lifestyle, have a backup story prepared about the child’s history with seizures and how helpful Keto has been. My father, Moshe C. Bragg, Sr., always taught me that honesty was the best policy. So it hurts to tell a lie. But in this case, it’s absolutely necessary. Show your child videos of people having seizures. Instruct them to learn how to realistically mimic the symptoms of a seizure. It doesn’t have to be spot on. As long as the person they fake it in front of is not a doctor, they won’t know the difference.
It’s happy hour. You’ve just downed your third beer and you get the phone call! The company you’ve dreamed of working for has asked that you come in for a job interview! Now it’s REALLY Happy Hour! You can’t suppress your excitement! But then it slowly sinks in that you’ll have to be interrogated by a team that may dislike you before you are guaranteed the job. Your happiness quickly turns to fear and now you don’t know what to do. But worry not, this easy-to-follow guide will help you ace ANY job interview.
1. Time is on your Side!
William Shakespeare wisely stated that “[A person is] Better three hours too soon than 1 minute too late.” While I don’t suggest getting to your interview three hours early, I do want to stress how important timeliness is. You need to create a good impression with your prospective boss, and prove that you care about getting to work on time. For this reason, I recommend taking an Uber or Taxi to your interview. If you drive, you risk being pulled over and receiving a DUI if you are a day drinker. If this happens, you’ll miss your interview all together!
2. So Fresh and So Clean
Nothing’s worse than a hangover…except a hangover on the day of your big job interview! If you’ve got all the telltale signs of a night of binge drinking (headache, vomiting), then do yourself a favor and take a shot. The ‘hair of the dog’ technique helps ease hangover symptoms and will get you feeling fresh and ready to talk shop with your prospective employer.
3. Don’t Let the Board Room Become a Shake Shack
If you’re like me and suffer from alcoholism, you know the awful feelings bought on by withdrawal. One of the most obvious symptoms to outsiders are the shakes. If you step into the interview without having your morning drink and are shakey, they will suspect you of being an alcoholic and deny you the job. On top of that you’ll be feeling nervous, irritable and uncomofrtable. It is best to take prophylactic measures and drink just before the interview to avoid the shakes. If you’re concerned about the smell of alcohol on your breath, chew on a mint or say that you’ve been using a rather strong mouthwash.
4. The Trouble With Job History
Most people who are looking for new jobs were fired from their previous jobs. Often, this is because of alcoholism. People who drink a lot tend to miss out on work from being frequently hungover. They need to maintain a job in order to get the money to buy more drinks, but they have a hard time keeping at it. When the subject of your previous employers comes up during the interview, make sure to lie and claim that you left of your own volition because the position wasn’t challenging enough. If they like you and ask for references, provide the phone number of a friend or relative to claim they were your employer and give you a dazzling, 5 star reference!
5. Easing Nervous Tension
Don’t become distressed at the prospect of not having alcohol by your side during the interview. Typically, these meetings last only an hour. You can nip at the mini bottle of Jack in your jacket pocket in the bathroom right after the interview ends.
When your interview gets to casual talk about your life and hobbies, avoid mentioning alcohol or binge drinking. Just talk about other things you’re interested in. If they confront you about your drinking, deny the extent of your abuse and claim that you only have 1-2 drinks per day.
Follow these 5 steps and you stand to ace the interview, and get the job of your dreams!
5 Steps to Finding Love and Maintaining a Healthy Relationship
By Dr. Wilford Samuelson, PhD
“All You Need Is Love” as the Beatles famously stated in their hit song of the same name. This song is both popular and the defacto credo of the human race. Everyone wants to be loved in various ways. Platonic, familial and romantic are the three types of loves most people hope to achieve. Family and platonic loves are simple because you’re born with family, and unless you have a bad family the love will be automatic. But how can one achieve romantic love, which unlike familial love may involve physical and sexual experiences? Read this guide to find the 5 steps you must take to find and maintain Romantic Love!
Step 1: Find a Partner
In order to be in a romantic relationship, you must first find a partner who agrees to be with you. This is often a person of the opposite sex, but if you are gay it could be someone of the same sex. Finding that special someone is not easy! There are many people who are very ugly that you would not want to be with. On top of that, some people that you find hot may not think you are attractive. And even if you do find someone that you share a mutual attraction with, they might have other bad qualities, such as being criminals, or very boring. It is very tricky and hard to find the right person, but luckily computer technology has made it much simpler, through dating apps like OkCupid, Plenty of Fish, Bumble and Tinder. These sites allow you to see pictures of the person to see if they’re hot. That way you will already know if you think they’re hot when you meet them. It also shows you some of their interests and things about them, so you get to know their personality and find out if they are a good or bad person.
Step 2:Find Your Pleasure Points
One part of many happy relationships is physical (sexual) activity between two people, as opposed to just one person masturbating. But finding the best way to have good (or hopefully great) sex with your partner can be difficult. Being overweight, having erectile dysfunction or being dirty and having bad hygiene can all play a role in making it even more difficult to turn on your partner.
The best thing you can do is to make the mood hot and steamy with some pornography. If you don’t already have one, purchase a flat screen TV and put it in your bedroom. When you are ready to have sex with your partner, play the porno. That way if your partner is not hot, or you don’t like them, you can still be turned on by the pornographic actors.
Step 3: Quality Time
When it comes to love, the time spent together is about quality, not quantity. In other words, if you can only spend one GREAT hour with your partner in a month, that’s much better than spending 3 hours with your partner that are boring and not good. Find things you both love to do together. This can include anything from boating, to sailing, snorkeling or going to the park. Use your imagination. Experiment to find the perfect together-time activities. Many couples love going to the movies and sharing a bucket of popcorn over a romantic comedy. Other couples who are music-lovers enjoy attending concerts. Many gay couples enjoy going to gay bars, or watching gay films.
Step 4: Protect Your Partner from Competition
One of the toughest parts about staying together is making sure your partner is not exposed to other people who are better than you. If this happens they may leave you for the other person, and you’ll have to start over again. But it’s difficult to keep a watchful eye over your partner when they have a job or attend school and leave the house for hours at a time. It is best to encourage them to find a job where they can work from home so that you can always make sure they are locked inside and when they do want to leave you can go with them.
Step 5: Break Up to Make Up
If, in the unfortunate event that your partner is no longer hot, or is a bad person, you must break up, that’s ok. There are Plenty of Fish in the ocean (and on PlentyOfFish.com). Find another person who better suits your tastes. Breaking up is not easy, but it’s easier than maintaining a relationship with someone who is fat, unattractive or weird. “Nip it at the bud” to borrow a phrase from gardening. If you decide you didn’t want to break up, you can always get back together with that person later, if they still like you.