How to Ace a Job Interview (5 Easy Steps)

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It’s happy hour. You’ve just downed your third beer and you get the phone call! The company you’ve dreamed of working for has asked that you come in for a job interview! Now it’s REALLY Happy Hour! You can’t suppress your excitement! But then it slowly sinks in that you’ll have to be interrogated by a team that may dislike you before you are guaranteed the job. Your happiness quickly turns to fear and now you don’t know what to do. But worry not, this easy-to-follow guide will help you ace ANY job interview.

1. Time is on your Side!

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William Shakespeare wisely stated that “[A person is] Better three hours too soon than 1 minute too late.” While I don’t suggest getting to your interview three hours early, I do want to stress how important timeliness is. You need to create a good impression with your prospective boss, and prove that you care about getting to work on time. For this reason, I recommend taking an Uber or Taxi to your interview. If you drive, you risk being pulled over and receiving a DUI if you are a day drinker. If this happens, you’ll miss your interview all together!

2. So Fresh and So Clean

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Nothing’s worse than a hangover…except a hangover on the day of your big job interview! If you’ve got all the telltale signs of a night of binge drinking (headache, vomiting), then do yourself a favor and take a shot. The ‘hair of the dog’ technique helps ease hangover symptoms and will get you feeling fresh and ready to talk shop with your prospective employer.

3. Don’t Let the Board Room Become a Shake Shack

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If you’re like me and suffer from alcoholism, you know the awful feelings bought on by withdrawal. One of the most obvious symptoms to outsiders are the shakes. If you step into the interview without having your morning drink and are shakey, they will suspect you of being an alcoholic and deny you the job. On top of that you’ll be feeling nervous, irritable and uncomofrtable. It is best to take prophylactic measures and drink just before the interview to avoid the shakes. If you’re concerned about the smell of alcohol on your breath, chew on a mint or say that you’ve been using a rather strong mouthwash.

4. The Trouble With Job History

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Most people who are looking for new jobs were fired from their previous jobs. Often, this is because of alcoholism. People who drink a lot tend to miss out on work from being frequently hungover. They need to maintain a job in order to get the money to buy more drinks, but they have a hard time keeping at it. When the subject of your previous employers comes up during the interview, make sure to lie and claim that you left of your own volition because the position wasn’t challenging enough. If they like you and ask for references, provide the phone number of a friend or relative to claim they were your employer and give you a dazzling, 5 star reference!

5. Easing Nervous Tension

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Don’t become distressed at the prospect of not having alcohol by your side during the interview. Typically, these meetings last only an hour. You can nip at the mini bottle of Jack in your jacket pocket in the bathroom right after the interview ends.
When your interview gets to casual talk about your life and hobbies, avoid mentioning alcohol or binge drinking. Just talk about other things you’re interested in. If they confront you about your drinking, deny the extent of your abuse and claim that you only have 1-2 drinks per day.
Follow these 5 steps and you stand to ace the interview, and get the job of your dreams!

5 Steps to Finding Love and Maintaining a Healthy Relationship

5 Steps to Finding Love and Maintaining a Healthy Relationship

By Dr. Wilford Samuelson, PhD

“All You Need Is Love” as the Beatles famously stated in their hit song of the same name. This song is both popular and the defacto credo of the human race. Everyone wants to be loved in various ways. Platonic, familial and romantic are the three types of loves most people hope to achieve. Family and platonic loves are simple because you’re born with family, and unless you have a bad family the love will be automatic. But how can one achieve romantic love, which unlike familial love may involve physical and sexual experiences? Read this guide to find the 5 steps you must take to find and maintain Romantic Love!

Step 1: Find a Partner

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In order to be in a romantic relationship, you must first find a partner who agrees to be with you. This is often a person of the opposite sex, but if you are gay it could be someone of the same sex. Finding that special someone is not easy! There are many people who are very ugly that you would not want to be with. On top of that, some people that you find hot may not think you are attractive. And even if you do find someone that you share a mutual attraction with, they might have other bad qualities, such as being criminals, or very boring. It is very tricky and hard to find the right person, but luckily computer technology has made it much simpler, through dating apps like OkCupid, Plenty of Fish, Bumble and Tinder. These sites allow you to see pictures of the person to see if they’re hot. That way you will already know if you think they’re hot when you meet them. It also shows you some of their interests and things about them, so you get to know their personality and find out if they are a good or bad person.

Step 2: Find Your Pleasure Points

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One part of many happy relationships is physical (sexual) activity between two people, as opposed to just one person masturbating. But finding the best way to have good (or hopefully great) sex with your partner can be difficult. Being overweight, having erectile dysfunction or being dirty and having bad hygiene can all play a role in making it even more difficult to turn on your partner.
The best thing you can do is to make the mood hot and steamy with some pornography. If you don’t already have one, purchase a flat screen TV and put it in your bedroom. When you are ready to have sex with your partner, play the porno. That way if your partner is not hot, or you don’t like them, you can still be turned on by the pornographic actors.

Step 3: Quality Time

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When it comes to love, the time spent together is about quality, not quantity. In other words, if you can only spend one GREAT hour with your partner in a month, that’s much better than spending 3 hours with your partner that are boring and not good. Find things you both love to do together. This can include anything from boating, to sailing, snorkeling or going to the park. Use your imagination. Experiment to find the perfect together-time activities. Many couples love going to the movies and sharing a bucket of popcorn over a romantic comedy. Other couples who are music-lovers enjoy attending concerts. Many gay couples enjoy going to gay bars, or watching gay films.

Step 4: Protect Your Partner from Competition

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One of the toughest parts about staying together is making sure your partner is not exposed to other people who are better than you. If this happens they may leave you for the other person, and you’ll have to start over again. But it’s difficult to keep a watchful eye over your partner when they have a job or attend school and leave the house for hours at a time. It is best to encourage them to find a job where they can work from home so that you can always make sure they are locked inside and when they do want to leave you can go with them.

Step 5: Break Up to Make Up

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If, in the unfortunate event that your partner is no longer hot, or is a bad person, you must break up, that’s ok. There are Plenty of Fish in the ocean (and on PlentyOfFish.com). Find another person who better suits your tastes. Breaking up is not easy, but it’s easier than maintaining a relationship with someone who is fat, unattractive or weird. “Nip it at the bud” to borrow a phrase from gardening. If you decide you didn’t want to break up, you can always get back together with that person later, if they still like you.