By Dr. Moshe C. Bragge, pHD
Introduction
The United States has participated in many wars including World War I and World War ii but In March 2020 they went to war with their most challenging foe to date–the Coronavirus, also known as COVID-19. This crippling virus caused universal closures of restaurants, bars and gyms.
In a traditional war we can throw bombs at our enemies, but this virus cannot be shot with a pistol or grenade because it is too small to be seen. You could shoot a bullet from a gun in the air, and it might hit a coronavirus particle, but because the virus is so small, we will never know if the bullet hit it or not.
We could hire teams to shoot guns in the air in every direction all day long in order to kill the virus but the problem is they may hit a valuable object or person, and therefore is not an effective way to stop the spread of Coronavirus.
While its long-lasting effects are still unknown, we can most certainly ascertain that an unwanted side effect of our quarantined state will be weight gain. People will sit at home binge-watching Netflix and eating poisonous garbage that is filled with carbs.
Foods like cakes, pies and cookies will be consumed in abundance and as the Coronavirus pandemic levels off, the obesity epidemic will worsen. Lack of gym access will only heighten the problem. Binge eating carbs is a dangerous, unhealthy and unnecessary coping mechanism.
If only people knew: it is not only easy, but FUN to practice Keto while quarantined. You will eat great, lose weight and be in the best shape of your life…all from the comfort of your own home. When the period of extreme social distancing and mandatory isolation ends you will emerge from your home into our post-apocalyptic streets with your Quarantine Bod and impress those who have survived in your town. Read on to find out how you can utilize the Keto diet to become a hot and healthy survivor using this revolutionary new diet.
What is Keto?
The Keto Diet is a revolutionary new diet that drastically cuts carbohydrate intake. This forces your body into a metabolic process called “Ketosis.” When in Ketosis your body effectively burns fat for energy along with thousands of calories along the way.
I’ve used Keto to radically alter my own life and the lives of my family members. I wrote the book Keto for Kids because I was fearful of having a fat child. My little Robert was a plump baby and that didn’t sit well with me. I immediately cut off his supply of breast milk (which is high in carbs) and forced him onto a restrictive Keto diet.
Robert is now 12 years old and weighs a healthy 51 pounds. He is very thin and attractive and has not even touched a carbohydrate in years. To say that Keto drastically changed my life for the better would be an understatement. I have decided to devote the rest of my life to spreading the good word about Keto. Now, in the time of pandemic, we need it more than ever.
Step One: Eradicate All Carbs
The emerging Coronavirus epidemic is being fought using the technique of Social distancing to avoid rapid spread of the disease. If only obesity could be cured with social distancing! The unfortunate reality is that obese people are forced to socially distance because they are considered the dregs of society and no one wants to be around them.
The obese have been socially distancing for years. For the obese, socially distancing does not cure what ails them, nor does it prevent the spread of obesity. If anything, being socially distant reinforces their sadness. The vicious cycle continues ad nauseam while they consume fatty cakes and pies all along the way.
Don’t allow yourself to be a victim of the obesity epidemic! Walk to your pantry right now and throw away anything that has any carbohydrates! This includes milk (not heavy cream), crackers, rice, bread, beans, ketchup, all fruits, sugar, candy, ice cream and beer.
You may be saying to yourself “what the hell will I eat?” The good news is you can eat like a king on Keto. Bacon, Steaks, Cheese, Whipped Cream, Avocados and Hard Liquor are all completely acceptable and can be consumed in abundance.
Because our country is going through a national emergency, you could also consider donating the food to a homeless shelter or food charity however I would strongly advise against this. You may feel good about yourself for being generous, but you are just killing other people with garbage carb-heavy food. Have some compassion for your fellow man and flush the carbs down the toilet.
Step Two: The Keto Flu
Anyone who has tried the Keto diet knows of the dreaded “Keto Flu.” As your body becomes less dependent on carbs, you will experience malaise and flu-like symptoms. This is absolutely normal and nothing to worry about. After a few days the keto flu will be over and your body will be in full-on ketosis. Hell ya!
The complications occur when you are starting keto in the midst of a flu pandemic. Many people mistake their keto flu for the coronavirus. Some of the symptoms are similar: diarrhea, aches and pains, fatigue. Further complicating this phenomena is the fact that it is possible to be going through the Keto Flu AND the novel Coronavirus simultaneously.
Sound complex? Well, it is. But worry not. If your city has a coronavirus testing site in place you can go and get tested. If you have the coronavirus, don’t worry, just quarantine for 14 days and jumpstart your Keto routine. It doesn’t kill most people, although it may kill you. If the Coronavirus doesn’t kill you, a carb-heavy diet will.
Many people eat unhealthy food like cakes and pies when they are sick. Don’t do that! Start your Keto journey now. Eat plenty of sausages, cheese, whipped cream, bacon and oil. You will lose weight rapidly. Remember: obese people have compromised immune systems. The faster you lose weight, the stronger your immune system will be, and the more energy it will have to fight off the coronavirus (COVID-19).
What if you test negative for the virus? Do the exact same thing! Eat plenty of sausage, cheese, whipped cream bacon and oil!
If you go to the doctor to ask about coronavirus, ask him to test your ketone levels as well. If you are producing ketones it means your body is in ketosis and the fat is in the process of melting off!
Step Three: Get the Keto Foods
For those of you unfamiliar with the Keto diet, it may be helpful to discover the delicious staple foods that I encourage you to eat every day for every meal. Those staples are:
-Cheese
-Heavy Cream
-Bacon
-Pork Chop
If you exclusively consume these items for every meal you will see remarkable improvements. Your waistline will start to shrink and the sexy you will emerge from the fat shell you’ve been hiding inside of.
Because the Coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic has shut down all non-essential businesses in most major cities, people worry about disruptions to the food supply chain. Depending on fresh sausage and heavy cream may be difficult. So what are some keto friendly canned foods that will last in the pantry during a pre or post apocalyptic situation?
Spam is a great tasting and widely available option. At just one carbohydrate per can, Spam is the champion of Keto canned foods bar none. In second place, I recommend Buttered Mushrooms, which are buttery and delicious.
Don’t forget that oils last a long time in the pantry, so you can drink a tall glass of oil, which is delicious, filling and totally Keto friendly. If you do go the route of drinking condiments and cooking essentials, check the nutrition on the label. Carbohydrates should read 1g or less. DO NOT EAT KETCHUP! I repeat DO NOT EAT KETCHUP! It is the silent keto killer.
People think Ketchup is Ketogenic, but it is full of nasty carbs. If you feel you cannot help it, drink a glass of hot sauce thickened with heavy cream, which has a similar consistency and red color but with 0 carbs. In my previous tome, Keto for Kids, I spoke of the intense addiction to ketchup that my little Robert had developed. Weaning him off of it was like exorcising demons from a prostitute. It’s no joke, and takes intense effort.
Step Four: Eating Wildlife and Pets
In the midst of a pandemic, expect the worst. You may run out of food and be forced to eat wildlife that is native to your habitat. In my area that would mean squirrels and pigeons. Luckily, these animals are both completely gluten free and Keto friendly!
If you have a shotgun, bow and arrow or darts it is not difficult to kill squirrels. Make sure to keep sharp knives on hand so you can skin them. Don’t throw away the carcass either, as it can be boiled to create a delicious broth for a future Keto soup!
Unfortunately going outside to hunt for game isn’t always an option. If the virus becomes airborne or social unrest creates a state of martial law it is safer to stay inside. In this case there will be very few Keto options available…except maybe the most obvious.
Man’s best friend, the dog, can also be man’s best meal in the case of quarantine. I understand that no one wants to eat their dog, as people develop intense emotionally codependent relationships with these animals. But if the dog understood that it was giving its life so that you could live healthier (by being Keto), it would understand.
Dog meat is not only life sustaining, it is also delicious and KETO FRIENDLY! After killing your dog (I recommend contacting the SPCA for reccomendations on humane euthanasia options), grind up some dog meat with your meat grinder and with simple ingredients like Zoodles (noodles made from vegetables like zucchini), ricotta cheese and mozzarella you can make a Keto Dog Lasagna.
A lot of you are probably thinking “what will I do once I finish eating the dog? What will I eat then?” I have one word for you: Preparation! No possibility should be left unexplored. If you believe that there is a chance you will have to consume your dog at some point it’s imperative that you NOT neuter your dog and begin purchasing other dogs (of the opposite gender). Start breeding in advance of any emergency. That way you will have a whole stable of dogs to choose from.
Because these dogs won’t be going out for walks, their flesh will be fattier and primed for consumption over the typical dogs that take several walks per day and develop unappetizing muscle mass. Keep breeding. Learn how to make your dogs attracted to each other and make sure they produce many litters of pups by having sex very often. Dress your dogs in lingerie to increase their attraction to one another. Use dog-friendly perfumes which are a natural aphrodisiac that dogs cannot resist. You can make some money on the side by filming your dogs having sex, posting the footage on YouTube and watching the ad revenue pour in.
You can have generations of litter interbreed and only a percentage of the dogs will come out with genetic defects. Please note that these defects rarely affect the flavor of the meat.
Learn the essentials of butchering and how to properly parse your dog’s corpse into its most edible components. If you don’t like the taste of organ meat, you can feed the organs to your remaining dogs to keep them healthy and well-fed without breaking the bank.
As a sidebar, we’ve all heard of the dog whose bark is worse than its bite. Well sometimes bark can be better than a bite of dog. Assuming it’s safe to go outside, stripping a tree of its bark and boiling it into a fondue with some heavy cream and other scraps you have lying around can be a delicious subsistence way to enjoy one of nature’s gifts to man…and it’s KETO FRIENDLY! Just don’t eat it with crackers, they are full of nasty carbs. You can take some wood chips or rocks from outside and use them to dip into the fondue. You can’t digest the rocks but you can use it as a kind of spoon. Don’t let anyone tell you that Keto food is hard to access! It’s right in front of you! NO EXCUSES! Being healthy, slim and fit always needs to be priority number one, global crisis or no.
Step Five: Can I eat my own fecal matter?
One question that I get asked alot is whether or not one can eat their own fecal matter in the case of a food shortage. Predictably, the addendum to that inquiry is whether or not fecal matter is keto friendly.
This is a complex question to answer. Fecal matter is highly edible, although not particularly palatable. It is Keto Friendly if you haven’t been eating carbs. Essentially, feces is the food you have already eaten, but more smelly and disgusting looking.
The body digests the delicious parts of the foods and evacuates the nasty tasting parts out of your rectum. Therefore most people do not enjoy eating fecal matter. I am of the opinion that it’s fine to eat feces as long as you have been practicing keto for a good amount of time and there is no risk of any carb chunks being present.
Many people find it difficult to get over the very strong, foul taste of fecal matter. For this I recommend a spritz of yellow mustard, which is gluten free and keto friendly. It has a lot of vinegar in it which masks the phosphorus smell that is so unattractive in fecal matter.
Another question I am often asked is whether or not one can drink urine...or eat fecal matter that has been floating in a bath of urine (usually in the toilet or in apocalypse scenarios with no plumbing, in a bucket). The answer is an emphatic YES.
Urine is not only a refreshing and salty beverage, it is also naturally ketogenic and has a myriad of other health benefits. Scientists from around the globe have been preaching urine’s health benefits for decades, and it’s frankly a shock that the mainstream scientific community has systematically ignored this ‘superfood.’
For men, urine is great in pandemic/apocalypse scenarios if there is a cup shortage because they can aim their penis upwards and urinate directly into their own mouths.
Step Six: Develop a Workout Regimen
In the case of a pandemic, epidemiologists recommend quarantining entire segments of the population in order to ‘flatten the curve.’ In the case of coronavirus (COVID-19), most people under the age of 70 are not at great risk of dying if they are infected, and in fact many people are asymptomatic. Quarantining measures are not taken to protect the lives of younger people, but rather to slow the spread of the virus so as not to overwhelm the hospital system.
So while you are quarantined at home doing society a favor by flattening the curve make sure to flatten those abs!
There are a plethora of great workouts you can do from the comfort of your home without a pricey gym membership. Just google them. Pushups, sit-ups and jogging in place are all great options. If you are breeding dogs for food (as you should) you can lift up pups or even small full grown dogs and use them as weights if you don’t have dumbbells.
Step Seven: Build a House of Mirrors
One technique which is very effective for all dieters, not just Keto Dieters is the old House of Mirrors trick. Place mirrors in all corners of your home. Make sure there are no places where you can escape to without seeing your reflection. Confront the grotesque fat you have on your body at every second. It is unbearable to look at fat! You will be instantly motivated to make it melt away with an exclusively Ketogenic diet!
Conclusion
As
of today we don’t know what will happen with the COVID-19 pandemic. Many
outcomes are possible. The point of this text is to make you realize that no
matter what the obstacles are, it is possible to practice the keto diet, be
healthy and lose weight. Our existence on this planet is fragile to say the
least. This world is made up of infinite
possibilities, great joys and terrible tragedies. Within this context of
uncertainty and fragility you are now prepared to practice Keto and be the most
physically attractive person you can be.
About Me
As listed on the front cover and title page of this book, my name is Moshe C. Bragge, pHD. I am a clinician. My specialties are the Keto Diet, CBD and the use of hallucinogenic mushrooms to lose weight. Used in tandem, these three things represent the holy trinity of weight loss. For those that prefer not to ingest psychoactive substances this Keto guide is a perfect starter for getting shape in the midst of an emerging pandemic.